Take a Deep Breath

Right now, I find myself in limbo. I am worried about something that some of you may find trivial, but right now it is causing me so much anxiety. I am not sure where Lucas will go to kindergarten next year and it is eating a hole in my stomach just thinking about it. I obsessed about where to send him to preschool too. And lucky for us all, the final choice for that has been absolutely perfect for him. And I have no reason to believe this will be any different but that doesn't keep me from losing sleep over it.

The real stressor is that I have found what I think is the perfect school for him (after researching and calling and checking and stressing for MONTHS). EXCEPT... it is more than we can afford (unless we get a scholarship) and I am not even sure if he will get in. My indecision and anxiety caused us to not be super-aggressive and now there are already 20applicants for 15spots. So just when I start to feel comfortable about our decision on where to send him, the whole thing gets thrown back up into the air and I think I might just vomit.

There have been more than a handful of times in my life when I can recall this extended pit-feeling in my stomach. You know, that feeling of underlying stress and anxiety that looms over your head because something truly important is unresolved and yet there is nothing you can do in this moment or even in this day to make any difference. You just have to wait. Wait to see where the cards fall. To see what direction God takes you next.

In January of 2004, a friend sent me a lovely card with a scripture on it that she had been praying for me. I taped the card to my fridge so that I could see it and pray it daily to help. At that time, the pit-feeling in my stomach was about Micah and not knowing at all what the outcome would be. And although I know deciding on kindergarten has way less emotional and life-path implications for me than that time, I feel really strongly that this decision has some pretty significant implications for Lucas.

But you know the really funny thing about God... He has a way of bringing peace to my heart when I need it the most. I was sitting in a kindergarten class at this school I love, having just heard that they already have too many kids applying, and worrying about it all while I sat and watched the kids recite some poems they had been learning. And as I sat trying not to cry or explode or throw-up, the next thing the kids recited was this scripture. THE scripture that I always pray when I am trying to keep my mind and heart from worrying about things I cannot control. The one my friend sent me seven years ago. It was as if God Himself was reaching down in that moment to calm my heart and speak peace to my anxious soul.

I still don't know if Lucas will go to this school or not and I still stress about it. I really, really hope he does and I will try to do all I can to make that happen. But in the meantime, I know God is telling me to take a deep breath and trust that He who has planted my roots deep into the stream of His goodness will not cease to bring forth fruit, even when the heat or drought comes.

Jeremiah 17:7-8

⁷ “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
⁸ They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”

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Obstacle of Complacency

In an attempt to deepen my spiritual life a little, I asked for the book Praying God's Word by Beth Moore. I wanted something to help guide me in some regular prayer time since I have been seriously lacking in that area for awhile. I won't say that I stopped praying after Micah died since that is not totally true (although I did really start to question my role in prayer... but that is another story). And I won't say that this messy church battle we lived through a few years ago stunted me spiritually, since that probably isn't the whole story either. But throw all of life's events from the last 7yrs. into a big pot and stir it up and what you get is a woman who loves Jesus and knows He is guiding and loving me but also one who has kinda fallen off the wagon when it comes to deepening my spiritual walk.

But now I am trying to get back on track. I have been meeting regularly with this amazing lady (we'll call her Jane) from my church whose love for Jesus and her family astounds me. She challenges me and encourages me and I am so very grateful for her. But I also got a few books to help me improve my quiet time with God from rare to regular.
When I got the Beth Moore book, I read on the cover that it was about "breaking free from spiritual strongholds" and I thought that maybe this wasn't exactly what I was looking for.

"STRONGHOLDS sounds so severe. I just need something to get me going."

Turns out, this is exactly what I need, and maybe have been needing for awhile.
This lady from my church, Jane, from the outside she seems to be exactly what I strive for: full of life and compassion, gentle and kind, focused on Jesus. But she always wants more. She is always desiring and actively seeking to be more full of Jesus. She has share with me somethings that she is working through and it always throws me for a loop. I would NEVER have thought of that as a obstacle to our spiritual journey!! But for her, she is trying to empty herself of herself and be totally filled with Jesus. I am seeing now more clearly than ever, that one of my obstacles in my spiritual walk has been complacency.

When I was praying last fall about how I could grow as a child of God and a mother and a wife and God whispered to me that asking Jane to meet with me was the first step, that was the beginning of a journey away from complacency. There are so many areas of my life that need honing and refining. I need more of Jesus so that I don't try to do things in my own strength, or lack of. But so often it was becoming easy for me to say that I was a pretty good mom and I loved Jesus and I tried to serve my husband. But the last few months, I feel like God is really showing me that I need to strive for more than that. He wants me to be filled to overflowing with His love and blessings and grace. And to pour out to others out of that excess.
I am seeing, maybe for the first time in a long time, where I really am. I am seeing my faults in new light (and my strengths too) and seeing how I am not as close to God as I really want to be.

I read this line in Praying God's Word that has stuck with me. In talking about scriptures to pray to overcome the stronghold of pride, Beth Moore says, " Pride is self-absorption whether we are absorbed with how miserable we are or how wonderful we are."

I think I have been self-absorbed for too long. Absorbed with how little sleep I am getting or how little space I have or how many things are on my plate or how I have been hurt by so-and-so or how life would have been different if only....

Father, I desire to humble myself before you and trust that you will lift me up. (James 4:10)

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