Housing Woes, the reprise

I have been thinking a lot lately about how much my satisfaction or dissatisfaction with my current status depends on what others around me have or don't have.

I took this picture with my cell phone the other day (sorry for the crappy quality). It is a house I pass on my way to yoga every Tuesday night. I secretly lust after this house. I love the wrap-around porch, the cute yard with fence, the big trees out front... it is your perfect little suburban house. The perfect place to raise a family and have people come stay with you and decorate for Christmas. *sigh*

After trying last spring to rent out our town house with no luck, a housing miracle seemed to drop into our laps a few weeks ago. A potential renter came to look at our house and LOVED IT! She wanted to move in ASAP. Praise the Lord!! ..... sort of.....
We immediately started looking for houses to move into. Not much seemed to be available, but then we found THE PERFECT HOUSE for us. The space we need, the fence we need, within our price range.... Could this really be happening??? A renter and a house we would LOVE to live in??? Somebody pinch me!
PINCH

While our credit application was being processed, the owners of my perfect house signed a lease with someone else. Boo! Also, we had some hiccups in the process of working things out with our "tenant" and it seems like that is now falling through too. Boo! It just doesn't seem to be in the cards, again. I have already cried about it and had my little moment of "it's not fair!!" It does kinda seem like God is teasing me with this whole moving thing. But God isn't really in the "teasing" business so I know there has to be some sort of greater plan at work here... just one that is not so visible from where I am standing.

I want a new house because we need more room. We have realistically outgrown this space. We need a yard for my boys and the pooch. I want to be able to host people and give my parents a room to stay in when they come to visit. And while those are the biggest reasons, that is certainly not the whole story. Nearly all my friends have upgraded their housing in the last year or so. Two of my best friends have bigger, beautiful homes with yards and rooms for all their children. How much of my housing discontent is because I judge my current situation against what my friends have that I don't?
A move for me just isn't gonna happen right now. And maybe not for awhile. Being a landlord kinda freaks me out and I certainly don't want to jeopardize our financial stability by taking on too much risk. And I don't want to go through the hassle of moving unless it is the right house (which was stolen from me and doesn't seem to exist anywhere else...).

So there you have it... my current housing woes. I am disappointed, for sure. Maybe even a little pissed. But trying to keep it all in proper perspective and trust that this is God protecting me and not teasing me. And not base my contentedness on things I cannot control.

But if the person who lives in my dream, suburban home pictured above happens to be reading this and wants to rent your house to me..... just sayin'.



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Rooting Out the Weeds

Hubby and I recently dived head first into Dave Ramsey's philosophies of budget and debt management. In one of his books, he says "If you are apathetic because everything seems 'just fine,' then you will be unwilling to make the huge changes needed to get huge results. ... The enemy of 'the best' is not 'the worst.' The enemy of 'the best' is 'just fine.' "

I both 100% agree with this and yet kinda disagree. When it comes to strict budgeting to eliminate debt and build wealth, he is totally right. But I am not sure this phrase applies universally. When I try to apply this philosophy to my marriage and my parenting and my relationships with my family, I start to see how it leads me down a dangerous road. Let me explain. (To be fair, Dave Ramsey is NOT applying this phrase to my marriage and mothering abilities... that is all me... and I am preaching only to myself here.)

I am an all-or-nothing kind of gal. I always read the preface of a book because either I am reading the whole book or I feel like I have cheated. I am not good at skimming or "maybe" or "we'll see how things go." I like a plan, I like things to fit in the boxes I have made for them. Things and people.
Before I was a wife or a mother, I had pretty sure ideas of what both marriage and parenthood would be like. (*wink*) My husband would always passionately pursue me, we would talk about everything and usually agree, and sex would never be dull or routine. Then would come motherhood. And I was sure that would be filled with joyous moments of watching my children grow into respectable little humans who adored me and only occasionally tested their boundaries. I am exaggerating a bit, but you get the idea.
Reality is usually different than the world I envision in my mind. Relationships too. We all know that marriage and motherhood are hard and that no one is perfect at either one. But how much mediocrity do we say is part of the reality of life and how much should we be striving for things to be "the best" or at least "better?"

It is easy for me to look at my husband and see things that I would like to change. Little behaviors or personality traits or sometimes even bigger things. It is very easy for me keep a running tally of those things in my mind and gather more and more ammunition each time.
I have this habit of taking my less-than-stellar motherhood moments and harping on them in my mind until I am convinced my boys will need therapy before they reach puberty. I have gone to great lengths to preserve my days at home with the boys and have visions of how those days should go. Yet when the boys fight and I lose my cool and we didn't get to the Advent craft I had planned, I feel disappointed and a little like I have failed them.

What I am getting at is this: My marriage could be better. My mothering could be better. My relationship with my mom and my sister could be better. But I am afraid I am paralyzing my ability to enjoy and appreciate those relationships for what they truly are by always looking at the ways they could be "better." I am not saying I don't need to work on things. I certainly do. In fact, I met with a good friend this morning for coffee who lovingly challenged me to look at my own sin of finding fault with others and how that can be so detrimental. Especially to my marriage. I am just saying that always focusing on how things "ought" to be and the ways in which my Hubby or my boys or my family need to change in order to better fit into the boxes that I have created for them might actually be hurting my ability to be content. I tell myself "if only ... blah, blah, blah." Fill in the blank. If only Hubby took more initiative. If only the boys were less wild. Whatever.
My habit of finding fault is a weed. I have to root out this weed. When such a thought pops into my head, I have to get rid of it immediately. Root it out. Don't even let it grow.
Because when you really get down to it, even though it could always be "better," my marriage is "just fine." My relationship with my boys is "just fine." My Hubby loves me and I would never doubt his loyalty. My boys are sweet and forgiving of my out-bursts and truly do adore me. We have some great times together.
This is one instance where saying things are "just fine" is not an indicator of apathy. It is an acknowledgment that we are a work in progress and might never reach "the best." But as long as we stop constantly finding fault but are still willing to see areas where we need to improve, it is better to be content and find joy in the 'just fine."



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Not to Toot My Own Horn...

.... Well, maybe just a little bit....

I am feeling a bit like super mom/woman today.

After taking the boys (by myself) on an all-day adventure to the Field Museum Thursday, we woke up yesterday morning and headed to Target. We met some friends at the Farmer's market and then played at the park. I did a craft with the boys in the afternoon, cleaned the kitchen and started dinner.
After a full day of motherhood, I went to work last night, twice actually. I got called in to help finish a case at around 4:30 and then as Hubby and I were at the climax of a very intense movie, the pager went off again for an emergency heart attack around 11:15.
Then this morning, I showered and was out the door by around 6:15 to go sign in for my 5K race. The one I started all this crazy running and training for 3months ago. I wasn't sure I could do it, truthfully, since I was having some intense knee and wrist pain when I first woke up and I didn't get to bed until after 1am because of the case at work. But I knew I would be so upset with myself if I wimped out. This was the original goal and I needed to see it through.

So.... I did it. I ran the whole thing and in my best time yet. Yeah me!!!! Hubby and the boys were at the finish line to cheer me on and it was so fun! Actually, it was hard. I am not a natural runner. I have to push myself. But I did and that is what feels good. 31:15. 45seconds better than my first race. Yippee!!!


We just got home, barely beating the rain, and I put Caden down for a little nap. And now, I am going to take a little nap myself with a hot rice bag on my knee. I am going to relish in this feeling of satisfaction and contentment. I am proud of myself, for the race and for everything else too. Downtown adventures, quiet crafts in my kitchen, late-night life-saving, persistent runner... happy mom. But maybe it is just the runner's high talking.



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Housing Woes

With the current state of the economy, I know that the problem I have is one of affluence. In other words, if I didn't have such a good life I would not have this problem. But that being said, I am going to tell you about my woes anyway.

My family and I live in a 2bedroom townhouse. It has three levels, the basement being the garage and a little office/playroom, with both bedrooms on the top floor. We have a little bit of yard but most of it is shared so we can't fence it in or keep people from walking through it. For about a year now, Hubby and I have been talking about wanting to move: to upgrade to something a bit bigger with more of a yard. Our dog needs a yard and I desperately want the boys to have a place to play. We have been hesitant to put our house on the market for fear that we will take a huge beating and screw ourselves financially. So mostly for that reason, we have stayed put.
Well just recently, we listed our place on Craig's list to try to find renters so that we can in-turn find a place to rent until the market picks up a bit more. We are not having any luck getting leads on our house and it is bumming me out!! I got myself so excited, thinking we were finally getting some momentum in this moving thing. We looked at a couple of rentals, nice houses that would have worked for us. None blew me away or jumped out as the perfect place. But then again, we are in no position to find a place to move into until we find people to move in here.
So here we are, really no further than we have ever been. Except, I really do want to move!!

Here lies the dilemma. I can't figure out if my desire to move is legitimate. I have a roof over my head, my children have beds to sleep in and food to eat and a safe place to live. Should I just be content with that? Should I just be grateful that I don't have to move and take a loss on our place and live here a bit longer until it is more to our advantage to sell?
Or should we keep trying to move into a bigger place in time to enjoy a yard this summer and have more room this winter when we are all stuck inside again?
I really don't know. I struggle at times with contentment anyway. I seem to always have something on the horizon or big ideas for how to make our life "perfect". But I am actually entering a phase of life with not much pending in the future. I will probably not have anymore kids, Hubby is in a good job that he will probably be in for at least a bit longer and I have no idea what will happen with my job. There is the chance Hubby could move up in his field soon and we might move to Texas in the next few years but that is all still a really big "if" right now and nothing we can bank on. I have been working hard on living in the moment, concentrating on the present, and not trying to just get through today to get to tomorrow. Is this just one more lesson or step in that journey?
So, do I fight for what I want.... a yard where the dog and the kids can run and play and have fun. A guest room and a play room and just a little more room to breathe. Or do I simply praise God for the house He has given us for this time and ask humbly that He help us sell it when the time is right and our next step is more clear and/or necessary?
I do love our little home. SO much life has happened here that it would be a bit sad to leave. But, I also really want my boys to have a magical, healthy, amazing childhood. I really want them to run through the grass and play in mud and have room to be free little boys while staying safe and somewhat contained. And selfishly, I would love for the dog and the boys to be able to go outside and get a little exercise without me having to be by their side every moment.
Yet, we are trying to pay down some debt and live within our means and be good stewards of what God had given us. Oh dear! I just don't know what to think about this anymore.





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More?

My very pregnant sister-in-law came to hang out with us the other day. I love her cute pregnant belly. I love hearing how her daughter still has so much room to wiggle in there. I love all the tiny pink clothes and the anticipation of waiting for her arrival. I see her, waiting for her baby to be born. On the verge of her life changing in ways that are impossible to predict or prepare her for. Then I look at my baby, my almost one-year-old baby. I was exactly where she is a year ago. Pregnant and waiting.

I actually LOVE being pregnant even though it is full of drama for me. I love knowing that my child is growing inside my womb, safe and protected and nurtured. I love feeling him move and kick. I don't even mind all the other discomforts because the miracle of it all overshadows all the hassle. But even though all those things are true, I am fairly sure that I am done having babies. I might want another one down the road, FAR down the road. But even that is just a maybe.

I have often wondered what kind of mom I would be if I could focus all my time and attention on one kid. Would I be too smothering? Would I be more creative and attentive? Would I be able to homeschool like I ideally would want to? Having two kids right now stretches my emotional and physical energy. Although, that seems to be getting better the older Caden gets. And while the reality of having two right now does not always bring out the best in me, I ultimately think I may be better able to be the kind of mother that I want to be if I don't have anymore kids and can focus my time and energy on my two boys. On those days when I am rested and on my mommy-game, this feels manageable. More than that, it feels ideal and fulfilling and the way I want my life to be. Throw another newborn in the mix, the night feedings and all that having an infant brings, and I don't know how I would deal with it at this point.

That being said, it is sad to think of never being pregnant again or snuggling a newborn in my sling. I may have to use my newborn neice or my sisters' babies to take care of my need for sling-cuddles. Admitedly, I feel genuinely torn. So we have decided not to decide, at least for now. We went forward with a birth control option that gives us about 5years of worry-free family planning. Maye 4years from now, I will realize that I can handle one more and that our family would be able to stretch to make more room. OR.... it may be crystal clear that my baby days are through and I can put all my energy into my 5and 7 year old boys. I'm sure by that time, I will have a lot of energy, right?

Maybe I will want to try for a girl and maybe I will be so in the thick of little league and karate that tea parties and tutus won't seem to fit in my world.

And there is always the question of adoption. I have always wanted to adopt. Since my first trip to China when I was a senior in highschool, I know that my family would one day include a Chinese daughter. And that is still the basic plan... but you know how plans go sometimes. I have heard some horrow stories about adoption and some great successes. Regardless, it is something that has always been in my heart and in my life plan. But if losing Micah taught me anything, it is that what I plan and try to prepare for is ALWAYS second to and totally dependant on God's higher plan. I could get pregnant next month or never again- God knows and holds it all.

Life feels perfect right now. I mean, crazy busy and not enough sleep and kinda chaotic. But slowly I am getting back to level ground after years of a roller coaster life. And I think I want to keep these feet planted for awhile. For the sake of myself, my marriage, my boys. I am not saying forever. But for awhile at least.



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