The Heart of This Boy

Rather abruptly at lunch yesterday, Lucas announced that he really wants a sister. But not a baby sister "from my tummy." He wants us to adopt a sister that is closer to his age so he has someone to play with. He said he had been "really thinking about this." I could see it on his face. He was very serious and thoughtful. It was not a whim discussion. And although his comments caught me off guard, they did not catch me by surprise.

He has said before that he would like a sister, but has never been so specific about adoption and wanting an older girl to join our family. I know that part of this adoption idea being sparked in his head comes from asking about a book I just finished that tells the story of a family's adoption journey. But it wasn't like he was borrowing an idea. It was more that one had been uncovered and he now had words for it.

His words were both tender and funny. He has figured out where "our girl" would sleep and sit in the car and at our table. He has an idea of what her name should be but he's not ready to share that yet. The longer we talked about it, the more he wanted to say. It was as if he could picture it more and more and couldn't contain how much he would love if it all actually came to be. I kept asking why he thought he wanted a sister, specifically one his age. After saying "I just do" about a dozen times, he finally got quiet.

"Sometimes, I just feel like I don't want to be the oldest. Like if my brother were here, I would have someone to be with me." My heart stopped for a moment. There it is. The root of this is a longing that I totally get. I feel it with him, I just didn't know he felt it like this. He misses his brother.

When asked why missing Micah makes him want to have a sister and not an older brother, his reply brought some much needed tension release to the moment. Pointing at Caden he says, "Well, I have already seen how that goes and I think I want to try a sister this time." LOL! (disclaimer: These boys LOVE being together and LOVE playing together. Caden is just a bit intense for Lucas sometimes and a bit frustrating at this stage.)

I relayed this conversation to Hubby later in the afternoon, but more in a "hear the cute things our son said" kind of tone. When really, his words have touched a deep place in my soul. I don't know if we would ever adopt another child or not. Reading this book has certainly revived a desire I have had since high school to share our family's love with a child who may be in need of some. But parenting these boys is hard and makes me wonder if I have what it would take to parent through an adoption and be the right kind of mother to a girl of any age. But Lucas' words still ring in my ears. Is God using my 5yr old to water a seed?

I certainly don't know yet. I told Lucas that as a family we could talk more about this and pray about it. I told him he should ask God if this is right for our family and see what God says. But no matter what, if any, concrete action comes from this lunch conversation, I at the very least got a glimpse into the soul of my son and it was precious. So very precious. He has such a tender, little heart that longs for a brother he has never met. This visceral longing that has forever changed me resides also deep in this boy that, in many ways, rescued my soul from darkness. He also longs for a sister and I just can't dismiss that. I think I might long for that too. But the thought of bringing a little girl into our family, no matter the route, is daunting and a bit terrifying to me.
I am grateful for the heart of this little boy. I am touched by his words and thoughts and fully aware of God working in his soul. And mine.




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O Come Let Us Adore Him

Lucas had his Christmas Play at preschool this morning. It was precious and perfect. Lucas (one of the three kings) sang all the songs and did all the motions (last year, he just stood there) and smiled like the adorable boy he is. I am a sappy, sentimental fool at things like this. I cry during the movie Polar Express and the end of Elf. And watching my little boy sing about Jesus and the miracle of Christmas brings out so much more emotion. So I was definitely wiping some tears this morning.



He is getting so big and grown up. He holds my heart, this precious "king."

And this one too! :)


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Weight of the Moment

I don't know if I will be able to fully communicate the absolute preciousness and humor of the story I am about the relay to you. The moment was one of the most priceless and one of the funniest of my motherhood journey so far. Mostly I just feel the need to document it somewhere and share with y'all how totally awesome my boys are. :)

We have this CD of songs from the Toy Story movies. The boys love it. Me... not so much. But I give in at certain times, especially when we have a long-ish drive somewhere or there is much fighting/whining/over-all crankiness happening in the back seat. Tonight I let them listen to it as we were driving to and from this launch party in Naperville for the ToyStory 3DVD. But when we were leaving Chick-fil-A after dinner and I reluctantly turned on the CD again, Lucas suggested we instead put on our CD of "Jesus songs" (their term for worship songs). Happy to listen to something else and something soothing, I quickly obliged. Half way through This Little Light of Mine, Lucas says "Mommy, who is Satan?" Not what I was anticipating for my 7pm drive home, but I ran with it anyway.
From that question sparked one of the most awesome conversations I have ever had with Lucas. We talked about angels and what it means to serve God as our King and why we sometimes sin and heaven and the second coming of Jesus... we ran the full spectrum. Some of L's comments/questions throughout this conversation were priceless:

"So, God is kinda like Batman and Satan is the Joker."
"I only know two things about heaven: My brother Micah lives there and the streets are covered in gold. Oh, and it is somewhere up in the clouds even though I have never seen it when I have been in lots of airplanes."
"Do we have to wait until we die to get to heaven or can we get there while we are still alive?"
"How will we know when Jesus is coming back? What if we are inside and we don't see Him coming down through the clouds? Do you think we might think the trumpet music is just the tornado siren?"
"When will Jesus come back to get us?"

I assured him that the trumpets announcing Jesus' return to earth would be the most beautiful music he had ever heard and that he would know the second he heard it that Jesus was coming to take him to heaven. (Only a mid-western child would be worried he would confuse the trumpets with an emergency tornado-warning! Ha!!)
For all my not-so-proud mommy moments, I am so thankful that God gives me moments like these. Moments when I can talk to my boys about the most important things, eternal things. Moments when I feel like I am investing in their souls and not just providing for their bodies. To talk with Lucas about heaven tonight and about that moment when Christ will come back to take us home was a moment I will never forget. And to see Caden sit quietly in his seat, hanging on very word.... well, I'll just say that the weight of the moment was not lost on me. I felt it sit on my shoulders. I chose my words carefully, knowing I was shaping their views on the most crucial of truths. And yet as sure as I was that God had ordained that moment, I prayed that He would put the right words on my tongue and protect their little hearts. I have to trust that the Holy Spirit will takes those little seeds of truth and bloom them into something great in those boys. I pray it will every cell of my being.

We got out of the car and headed into the house. Walking up the front steps, Caden says "Shhh, Mommy, do you hear Jesus coming?"
Lucas replies, "Caden, that isn't Jesus. That is just Hadley (our dog!). We don't know when Jesus will come back for us, Caden. It could be tomorrow or it could be a long, long time from now like 20years. But when He does come, won't that be cool?!"

In that moment, I couldn't decide if I should laugh or cry. Even writing this, I am doing both. Their language is funny. Their hearts are priceless. Both are so, so precious.
I hope I was somewhat able to convey the events of our car ride home is a way the accurately reflects the truth. It was very cute and yet eternally significant. As I was rubbing his legs at bedtime, I told Lucas how special our earlier conversation was to me. "Thank you, Mommy, for telling me all those things about heaven and Jesus. I read things about Him in books but you have a lot of things to tell me that I need to know. I like hearing what you have to tell me. If you don't tell me, I can't be very smart about it."

If that isn't motivation, I'm not sure what else would be.
Thank you, Lord, for tonight's moment. Help me to be a wise steward of such moments in the future and of their little souls that have temporarily been entrusted to me.




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Tuba Boys

During dinner tonight, I asked Lucas if he would be interested in learning to play a musical instrument. We are trying to figure out our lives for the fall which includes figuring out what activities to sign the boys up for and how much (or how little) to schedule ourselves.
Anyway, I like the idea of the boys learning an instrument. It is supposed to make kids good at math or reasoning or something like that. Mostly though, I think it is super cute. So I asked Lucas tonight what he thought of the idea.
"Like what instrument?" has asked.
"Oh, maybe the guitar or the piano or the violin."
"Or the trumpet or the trombone," Hubby added. I guess he felt I had neglected the brass section.

"Or maybe the tuba!!" Lucas said quite excitedly. We tried to explain to him that maybe we should start with something a bit more manageable and he could work his way up to the tuba if he wanted to.

"I play tuba!" Caden proclaimed, not wanting to be left out of the discussion.
"You would fit in a tuba," I told him. They both thought that was pretty funny. :)

Lucas thought about it for a second and then offered up this plan:
"Maybe Caden could hide inside a tuba. Then when I get older, like when I am 33, I could learn to play the tuba and then Caden would come flying out. Wouldn't that be cool?!?!"

I love the way their little minds work. They never cease to make me smile.


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These Still Moments

I sit in this chair, my baby sweetly nursing to sleep. I know he is not so much a baby anymore but we both still treasure these moments when he is cradled in my arms, being lulled off to sleep by a little warm milk. I love that moment when I can see him slipping into slumber. His eyes start to close, then quickly dart open with one last effort to hold onto the day. But then, he cannot fight it anymore and his eyes close completely. He is not asleep though, but sleep is coming. In this most precious of moments, my baby is deeply connected to me and I to him. So much so, that he is not content to simply be latched on. To be completely relaxed and soothed, he must also wrap his soft, gentle fist around my finger. He squeezes tightly as if he doesn't ever want to let go. Come closer, mama. Don't go anywhere.
I can't hold my phone to text or change the channel on the remote while he is nursing at night. But I wouldn't want to. I might miss this moment and that would just not do. I love this moment. I need this moment. The rest of the day he is a bundle of energy, climbing everything in sight and emptying drawers and cabinets faster than I can run behind him. He doesn't have many words yet but the ones he does have are said with a scream and nothing less. MAMA!!! BABA!!! (his word for his brother) This kid moves non-stop. Except right now. Right now, he is still. I need this still moment. My mommy-heart thrives on it.

He sits in the backseat, tired and quiet. This boy, unlike his younger brother, is so verbose. He just doesn't stop talking! Mommy, what animal is the predator of the eagle? Did you know that dinosaurs that eat only meat are carnivores? I think I am a carnivore. I love to eat meat. I asked Santa for an eagle toy. One that flies and says 'caw, caw'.... You get the point. The cool thing is, his brain moves even faster than his tongue. I love that about him. So even though it is at times tough to get a word in with this kid, in this moment he is quiet. He is still recovering a bit from illness and we have had a busy day. Church and lunch and a fun little mommy-and-me stamping party. I turn my head to see if he has fallen asleep. He is awake, just calm. He sees me looking at him and our eyes meet and he smiles. I say, "I love you Lucas." His grin gets bigger. I love you too, Mommy.
Last night, after his brother was in bed, Lucas sat with me on the couch to read our Advent books. Actually, he started in a different chair watching his latest obsession, Wonder Pets. When he saw me sit, he turned off the TV and came over to snuggle with me. I love this moment. I need this moment. The rest of the day he is a busy little chatterbox who frequently pushes/kicks/squeezes/lays on top of his brother and doesn't ever want to stop what he is doing to pee or eat or obey. He is your typical boundary-pushing, exasperating preschooler. Except right now. Right now, he is still. He is quiet, except for that sweet unsolicited "I love you!" which makes any moment other than this seem to fade into the background. I need this still moment with him sitting in my lap listening to me read. My mommy-heart thrives on it.

I am the mother of 3 boys. One of them I never heard utter a sound. But our eyes met and he squeezed my hand. These other two make nothing but noise all day. And I admit to having my fill of it sometimes. Add in the barking dog and I just may lose my mind somedays. But these moments, these quiet moments, are what keep me. These boys are my heart, my soul. They are no less a part of me and vital to my existence than my own lungs or brain. And when our eyes meet and they sit close and squeeze my hand, I am whole. And I am still.


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