Managing My Own Expectations...Again

The day started as a trip downtown on St.Patrick's Day to take a ride on the green ChicagoRiver. But, the color was pretty much faded (you could just see a faint green tint) and the water taxis were closed for maintenance today (figures!). So.... plan B.

We walked about 8 blocks from the river down to Millenium Park. I had Caden on my back (in my MeiTai) and Lucas was a trooper with the walking (we took several breaks to rest his little feet). Once we got there, we all had a blast!
They got a kick out of playing with their superheros in the city. Maybe you haven't heard, but Batman protects more than just Gotham City. I'm sure we can all rest a little easier knowing that.


We hung out and played at the Bean for awhile. And as normal, I had to manage my own expectations a little. My idea of them having fun in the city is different from theirs. Caden was more explorative of the Bean and I had to really watch that little run-away. But for Lucas, having fun by the Bean meant 10minutes of exploring it and then 20min of sitting reading his superhero book. Which bothered me at first, but once I let it go I actually enjoyed sitting by the Bean with the boys reading to them about X-men and the Avengers.

It was such a fun day. I love doing things that are out of the ordinary, taking the boys on adventures that show them something new and hopefully make a few memories. Once we got off the train back in Wheaton and got back in the car, I asked them what their favorite part of the day was. For Caden, it was the train rides (which was predictable). But Lucas' answer puzzled me. He said his favorite part was watching a movie on the train ride. :( It was hard for me to hide my disappointment with his answer and in fact I didn't really even try to. It takes a lot of energy and effort to execute days like today. But it is important to me to give them rich experiences and things that stretch them a bit. And I would, of course, love for them to fully embrace these experiences. I think in their own way they do. It just looks different than I would expect but that is more about me than about them. And I hope that I am laying a foundation for their lives- that they will always want to be adventurous and try new things and live life fully.
Lucas could see that his response upset me. And whether it was to please me or not, about 30min. later he said "Mom, I decided that my favorite part of the day was reading about Spiderman at the Bean." I just smiled and said, "Me too, Buddy." And in retrospect, it really was.
A fun day exploring the city with my boys. Even if it wasn't what I originally expected.


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Painting to be Perfect

Am I the only one who waits until the night before people are coming over to cross things off my to-do list? Here I am at 11pm, the night before 6moms and toddlers are coming over for a toddler valentine party, painting a spot on the wall and framing pictures and baking banana bread among other things. The spot on the wall has needed to be fixed for months. But I don't want to host my friends with a big white putty spot on my wall, so it must be fixed tonight. I have always been motivated by deadlines so it is not surprising that I am doing all these things tonight. It may be pride, but mostly just my desire for everything to be as perfect as possible when I am playing hostess. Here we go again with my epitaph "She had some great ideas but...." Nothing ever turns out exactly as perfect as I would like it to, like the picture in my head. But that doesn't stop me from trying.

I love to be the hostess, but I have very high expectations for myself. Perfect house, perfect decorations, perfect food, perfect party.... totally unattainable and dooming myself for disappointment. But I fall into this trap everytime.


I am really trying this time to keep my own expectations within manageble limits. I have delegated and am trying to keep things simple. Yet, here I am baking and painting at 11 pm.
This whole margin-thing is a process, I guess.

I am really excited for the party and think it will be super-fun. I'll let you know how the party goes. :)

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Trains and train wrecks...

In case any of you are wondering, black permanent marker does not come off clothing or wooden trains. But I am getting ahead of myself....

Today we had planned on driving about 90min. to a local train museum. We have been planning this trip for weeks, trying really hard to get certain things in that we have been intending to do with Lucas before Baby is born. It was overcast when we woke up but that didn't stop us, at first. As we got in the car and started our trek down there, it was pouring with no signs of letting up. With most of the museum being outdoors, we amended our plans. Total bummer. We instead played at the children's museum for an hour or so and then went and had lunch at a train restaurant we had heard good things about. We had a great time at lunch and Lucas loved that his food was delivered by the train that ran on the tracks next to our booth. Then as we browsed a farmer's market by the train tracks, a train stopped right by us. Lucas was awestruck with an actual train being 2 ft. away. Not as good as the train museum, but still a fun train-themed morning.

And then....

He fell asleep 10min. from home and then would not nap AT ALL!!! I desperately needed a nap, after being up with him for an hour during the night and then getting up to our usual early wake-up call. The longer it took him to settle down, the more frustrated I got. Hubby came to bail me out after about an hour of trying and we both evenutally conceeded to Lucas just having some quiet time so at least I could get a little rest. But as I lay in bed, trying to find a position that relieved my back pain and hearing him "being quiet" in his room, there was no way I was going to be able to nap. So I got up and I let him get up.

Hubby had an event for work and had to leave. Being very tired and wanting a minute to myself to look over some long-over-do business accounting, I was more than willing to let Lucas go downstairs and play on his train table like he asks to do several times a day. He was down there for no more than 5 minutes when I heard "Mommy, come see my mess." Never good words. I walked ran downstairs very apprehensive of what I would find. What I did find was a black permanent marker in his hands and black marker all over everything. And I do mean everything. Where did he get that marker and how did he color on everything so fast?!?! Black hands, black face, black all over the train table and all the tracks and all the trains. He thankfully spared the carpet and my stash of slings in a tote bag not 5ft. from his "mess."

At this point, I lost it. I started crying and asking my 2yr. old why he did this. He doesn't know why! He never thinks about why!! He just does things. He is 2!

He asked me to clean it and I just rambled on about how it is permanent marker and I can't clean it! He started to cry, I continued my crying and just sat there and held him as we both cried. Why did it upset me so much that he marked on his train table? It is just a train table. But I felt genuinely mad at him. Frustrated and tired but also just plain mad.

I chilled out a bit as I got a rag and my Clorox Anywhere spray and started trying to minimize the damage to the trains. Mostly I just didn't have the energy to be mad anymore. I put him in the tub to soak until his fingers were pruny and I had scrubbed all the black off his face.

After the bath, I fixed him the only dinner I could muster the energy for... ham and cheese and grapes. Gourmet, I know. I sat there, quiet and spent. Feeling much like that poor camel whose back breaks after they throw on that one last straw. I even have the sore back and the humps to help complete the analogy. There is so much intense emotion in my head these days and I have been doing my best to hold it all together and stay on track. And then my toddler won't nap and he finds a black Sharpie and off the handle I fly.

Just then, Lucas looks at me and says...

"Mommy, you like cheese?"

"Yes honey, I like cheese."

"Mommy, you want some of my cheese?"

"Sure. That is nice of you to share."

"Mommy, thank you for loving me. Mommy, I love you so much. Mommy, you love me so much?"

Here is where I start crying again.

"Yes Lucas. Mommy loves you SO MUCH!" But I haven't really been acting like it, have I.

The day ended with us watching a Thomas the Train DVD and reading a Thomas the Train book at bedtime. Both unintentional additions to our train-themed day, but appropriate I guess. Oh, and did I mention that right before bedtime the dog got loose and I had to run, carrying Lucas and my oh-so-pregnant self, down to the end of our court to retrieve him? Figures.

It has been a train-themed day for sure and I am the train wreck. Having just recounted the evening's events to hubby on the phone, they sound (and feel) a little less dramatic. But in the moment, I felt done. Just done. Although, after I had my moment of freak out, I really did my best to pull it together and not take it out on Lucas. We had a precious moment together at dinner and then I held him as I sang and rocked him to sleep. After all that talk of expectations, today felt a little like a dry run for the many tired, frustrating, why-is-this-happening-to-me days that are probably in my near future. I didn't handle it as I probably should have or would want to... but I am trying. Really trying.

Off to scrub some trains.....

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Expecting

I am a girl with expectations. I always have been. Expectations of both myself and of those around me. I expect myself to perform at certain levels. I expect to complete things that I set my mind to. I expect to not let people down and to live up to the things they assume will be true of me. Exhausting at times, but just how I am wired.

Well, here I sit. Three weeks away from my newest son being born. And I am once again full of thoughts and tasks that need addressing. I am nesting, I am reflecting and processing... I am expecting.

It is no mystery to me why people refer to pregnant women with this term. "She is expecting," or "That couple is expecting." They mean the baby, right? Most people do. But that is so far from the complete picture, at least for me.

I have talked enough in recent past about how pregnancy for me is such a different experience. One full of uncertainty and hoping and attempts at faith and trust.... But as I near the end of my third (and mostly likely last) pregnancy, I am full of expectations - of all sorts.

Expecting... to be awake for the delivery and hear my son's first cry. For hubby to be present too and carry Baby to meet me in recovery just as he was able to with Lucas. (For those who may not know, this is a platelet issue, which means it is an anesthesia issue....) To nurse right away, to sleep the first night with him on my chest so I can feel him breathe, to put him in my sling as soon as I can (does that make me a babywearing nerd?), ...

.

Expecting... to hold my healthy newborn son in my arms and learn more about this little man who has been doing acrobatics in my abdomen for the last 20+ weeks. To kiss his soft face and tell him how much I already love him and how much more I will love him throughout his and my lifetime. To watch adoringly as hubby does the same. To introduce Lucas to his younger brother as tears of both joy and grief cloud my eyes.

.

Expecting... there to be room in my heart for all my boys and to be able to love all of them well, whatever that may look like for each. For my bond with Lucas to only be made stronger as we both learn how to welcome Baby into our lives. To never let Lucas question my love or devotion to him, even as the demands on my time and attention increase. For there to come a day when I can fully love all three of my sons perfectly and completely, holding them and knowing we are all complete as we bask in the Glory of our King.

Expecting... my marriage to grow and deepen and only be made stronger by whatever storms we face. For there to be lots of storms, ones we are currently in and ones that we can't possibly foresee. But also, to walk through them all together, not questioning if the calm will come but only when. To work hard to show hubby that I can be the wife he needs, even in times when I am needy myself. To receive grace and love from him in the ways I need even when he is feeling needy too. To feel cherished and valued and have the effort I am putting forth acknowledged. And to do the same for him.

Expecting... to fail. To not live up to my own ideals of motherhood and womanhood in general. But to allow myself to freely receive God's grace and mercy and to get back up and try again.

Expecting... to feel overwhelmed at times, like I can't possibly do it. And then to realize, I can and I will and whatever that looks like will be O.K. To also have moments when I am genuinely proud of myself for something, anything. And to let those moments fuel me during times when I am discouraged.

That is a lot of expecting... but it is all true. Maybe some of these are unique to me, but I am willing to bet that not all of them are. Are they?

Thank God for His grace in both helping me meet them and picking me up when there is no way that I can.

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One of those days

I am having a hard time connecting with my reality today. I am learning more and more that I don't adjust well when things are not as I expect them to be.

My parents were supposed to fly in last night but missed their flight due to a fender-bender and the weather in Chicago was crappy anyway. They are scheduled to arrive tonight so hubby is just staying at work until time to pick them up, which isn't until 8:18pm if all goes well. So not only was I expecting to have my parents here today, my internal clock that tells me hubby will be home around 6:30 is still ticking and I have to keep reminding myself that he won't be here. We had an early morning OB appointment that was short and sweet and then Lucas and I were back home before 9am, with a LONG day of toddler-entertainment ahead of me. I could not keep my eyes open this morning and had to turn on Sesame Street so I could close my eyes for a few minutes. We both did nap in the afternoon which was nice. But I have probably checked my e-mail and my parents' flight status about a million times today. We did a toddler craft with fruity cheerios that neither one of us was into that much. Lucas and I played zoo with his animals upstairs and I just couldn't engage. We tried to play trains and he kept getting frustrated and throwing the trains around. I think he feeds off my funks sometimes. As I sit here typing this, Lucas is having his first Play-doh experience at the table next to me and I am trying to convince him it isn't fun to eat ( he doesn't believe me yet).

I am not in a bad mood. I am not sad or reflective or melancholy. Just disconnected from mommy-reality. And to make it worse, it is cold and blustery so an outdoor activity is not an option today.

It is now 5:30pm. Time to get dinner for my toddler and my unborn child (aka- I have to find something to eat too that does not involve ketchup). This is the second night this week hubby has gotten home way after bedtime (due to his job). Lucas will definitely be getting a bath tonight just to have something to do. I think I only have two diapers left.

I gotta get out of this funk. It will all be better once hubby gets home with my parents. Life will be back on track with my expectations, probably.

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