Grateful

This was last year on the Fourth. My parents came in for the weekend, I ran a 5K with my dad, we did the Wheaton parade and the Glen Ellyn Fireworks. It was a fabulous weekend. Look how young those two little boys look!!! I can hardly believe that was just a year ago.

I took both boys for annual check-ups today- they are getting so big so fast! After their appointments, I took them both out to lunch (at Steak and Shake- Lucas' request). Lucas was being a little dramatic about his shots, Caden was tired and clingy. But it was one of those rare moments where I could step out of the moment and see it for the precious snapshot it was. Or maybe it was staying right there in the moment and not thinking ahead to naptime or wine-time or the events of the holiday weekend.

These two boys- these precious, precious boys- they try my patience for sure. Even tonight at bedtime, I was ready to be done for the day and was losing my steam. But I just think about Caden's sweet hugs and kisses at lunch and Lucas asking me to snuggle him during our family movie night tonight. I am a lucky, lucky mommy. I hope I am doing right by them. I pray to God daily to use me as a vessel to bless and shape them as He would see fit in spite of my VERY flawed shell. No matter what else is complicated in my life, I have these two precious souls that God has blessed me with and a Hubby who loves me. And I am grateful for this. SO very, very grateful.



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Managing My Own Expectations...Again

The day started as a trip downtown on St.Patrick's Day to take a ride on the green ChicagoRiver. But, the color was pretty much faded (you could just see a faint green tint) and the water taxis were closed for maintenance today (figures!). So.... plan B.

We walked about 8 blocks from the river down to Millenium Park. I had Caden on my back (in my MeiTai) and Lucas was a trooper with the walking (we took several breaks to rest his little feet). Once we got there, we all had a blast!
They got a kick out of playing with their superheros in the city. Maybe you haven't heard, but Batman protects more than just Gotham City. I'm sure we can all rest a little easier knowing that.


We hung out and played at the Bean for awhile. And as normal, I had to manage my own expectations a little. My idea of them having fun in the city is different from theirs. Caden was more explorative of the Bean and I had to really watch that little run-away. But for Lucas, having fun by the Bean meant 10minutes of exploring it and then 20min of sitting reading his superhero book. Which bothered me at first, but once I let it go I actually enjoyed sitting by the Bean with the boys reading to them about X-men and the Avengers.

It was such a fun day. I love doing things that are out of the ordinary, taking the boys on adventures that show them something new and hopefully make a few memories. Once we got off the train back in Wheaton and got back in the car, I asked them what their favorite part of the day was. For Caden, it was the train rides (which was predictable). But Lucas' answer puzzled me. He said his favorite part was watching a movie on the train ride. :( It was hard for me to hide my disappointment with his answer and in fact I didn't really even try to. It takes a lot of energy and effort to execute days like today. But it is important to me to give them rich experiences and things that stretch them a bit. And I would, of course, love for them to fully embrace these experiences. I think in their own way they do. It just looks different than I would expect but that is more about me than about them. And I hope that I am laying a foundation for their lives- that they will always want to be adventurous and try new things and live life fully.
Lucas could see that his response upset me. And whether it was to please me or not, about 30min. later he said "Mom, I decided that my favorite part of the day was reading about Spiderman at the Bean." I just smiled and said, "Me too, Buddy." And in retrospect, it really was.
A fun day exploring the city with my boys. Even if it wasn't what I originally expected.


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The Heart of What Is True

We brought out our Jesus Tree this morning, since it is Ash Wednesday and all- the beginning of Lent. I fed my boys breakfast and then the three of us sat together and read the first passage (Luke 2:22-38) and put the birds on our tree. We talked about what Lent means and how it is an important season of preparation just like Advent. How it is a time to reflect and fix our eyes and heart on Jesus. We had a really nice moment, me and my boys, and then we went about our day.
I would love to tell you that our day was perfect after having such a nice moment at breakfast. It wasn't a horrible day, but a pretty typical one. There was school and music class and lunch and an outing with some friends. Throw in some tantrums and whining and mommy losing her cool and it was your average day for us.

I wish I was a perfect mom. Well, at least a better one. I wish I was more patient and less prideful. I wish I was that mom who could smile 'til it hurt, even through constant whining and fits about toys and TV. I am not that mom. I get so frustrated, I feel manipulated, and I don't always deal with that well. I have big expectations for myself and most people in my path (including my two little guys). I SO wanted (and planned) to think of some new Lenten crafts to start today or plan some big family devotional or something. Instead, I yelled at Caden when he was over-tired and refused to get in the car seat (aka: kicking and screaming and whole nine yards).
I fall. Everyday. I wake up with the ambition that today I will be the mom of my expectations. And without fail, I fall. Sometimes later in the day than others (depending on how much sleep I got). And each evening, I sit by their sleeping beds and pray God's protection over their little hearts from my own faults and weakness. And today was no different. It started well and became average with a few shameful moments thrown in too. So tonight, this first night of Lent, I again sat close as they drifted to sleep, praying for God's help in teaching them and loving them and shaping them into the men they are meant to be. It is too easy to get down on myself for all the ways I am not who I should be or where I should be.

But in the quiet of their dark room tonight, God reached in to quiet my parade of guilt and replace it with what is True: I am not perfect. I am not meant to be perfect. I love those boys more than I can fathom and would give them the world. What I do is enough. I have endless worth in His eyes. When I fail them, He is there. Covering what I lack. And the places I fall, He covers those too.
Yes, I have things to repent of and areas to work on. But I am not at this alone.

My flesh is incapable, depraved and in need of my Savior. His grace covers my sin and theirs and yours. In my heart is what is true: I am loved by my God, despite my faults. My deep love for my boys is not changed by my shortcomings. I desire to give all of me to my Lord and let Him shape me. I know those things to be true even though I regularly fall short.
I only pray that as God continues to teach me the heart of what is true and show me grace for all the ways I let Him down, my boys will see Him at work.

I may not be truly prepared for Lent. I don't have any new crafts to do or exciting activities planned. I am positive that I will wake up tomorrow, hoping it will be the day I meet my own expectations for myself and yet I know I will fall. But He will be even there. Whispering again to me the truth that is in my heart. And helping me live and teach that truth to my precious boys a little more everyday. So that is what Lent will be for me this year: trying to reflect on what I know is True and fix my heart on Him so that my boys will hopefully learn to do the same.

(well... maybe one or two crafts! :) )


These ladies say it way better than I ever could:

Lenten Preparations

Why do Lent?

Lent {for the newcomer}



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The Great Thaw

Before the next freeze, that is. But at least we got out and enjoyed our 50 degree day before it gets back down into the 20's and 30's this weekend. We played outside with some of our bestest buds today. The boys busted out the tricycles and lawnmowers and golf clubs along side the snow shovels. They jumped in snow piles and melty puddles and had a fantastic time. It was the perfect antidote to winter cabin fever. And although Spring is not quite here and we could even get more snow, it was fun to get outside and dream of outdoor fun to come.





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Enchanted Railroad

My mind has been a bit scattered this Christmas season- distracted by thoughts of moving and trying to get life a bit more organized. But now Christmas is starring me in the face and I feel like I haven't done enough to create a magical feel of the season for my boys. So this morning we headed over to the Arboretum to see their Enchanted Railroad exhibit. They have filled the entire room with trains carrying miniature Christmas trees and presents and candy canes. There are little villages and trees nestled among the tracks. The boys were just mesmerized by it all! Of course, they were a bit bummed that they couldn't touch the trains or eat the candy canes off one of the cars. But overall, it was a great way to usher in a little last-minute holiday magic. And it's free!



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Snow Day

A snow day is usually a day where kids get a break from the normal routine and structure of a school day. They get to let loose and build snow-men and slide down hills and have snow-ball fights. Well, today I had my own little snow day. It didn't snow today or even last night. In fact the temps were even a bit warmer today than in previous days and the sun was shining brightly with not a cloud in the sky. But Caden hasn't been feeling well and now has an an ear infection with high fevers so I decided to stay home with him today and not go to work. Deep down, I think I needed a little reprieve from my new job which has been WAY more stressful and taxing than I anticipated. And today turned out to be just the little break from my routine that I needed.
I loved getting to take Lucas to school without the pressure to hurry to get to work. I got to linger a bit, help organize the school library a little and watch Lucas build a huge airplane hanger with blocks. Caden and I ran some errands including a craft-supply run for some crafts I want to do with the boys and for our church. I got back to L's preschool early enough to see them all playing outside in the snow. They had their snow shovels and saucers out and were having tons of fun in the snow. It was medicine to my heart to watch Lucas having fun with his preschool friends. Caden played with his ball in the snow nearby and I sat and watched with a ginormous smile. Later, as we walked back to the car, we took our sweet time and the long way around. And sweet time it was. The boys played in the snow and I joined in. We stayed nearly an hour just stomping in snow and making snow angels and throwing the ball between the three of us. It was spontaneous and light-hearted and joyous. It was a little gift from God to my some-what overwhelmed heart- an exercise in living life fully despite lack of sleep and the mental to-do list looming over head.
Thank you Lord for this snow day. It was truly a breath of fresh air and a marvelous time with my little boys. Sweet, snowy fun!







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These Still Moments

I sit in this chair, my baby sweetly nursing to sleep. I know he is not so much a baby anymore but we both still treasure these moments when he is cradled in my arms, being lulled off to sleep by a little warm milk. I love that moment when I can see him slipping into slumber. His eyes start to close, then quickly dart open with one last effort to hold onto the day. But then, he cannot fight it anymore and his eyes close completely. He is not asleep though, but sleep is coming. In this most precious of moments, my baby is deeply connected to me and I to him. So much so, that he is not content to simply be latched on. To be completely relaxed and soothed, he must also wrap his soft, gentle fist around my finger. He squeezes tightly as if he doesn't ever want to let go. Come closer, mama. Don't go anywhere.
I can't hold my phone to text or change the channel on the remote while he is nursing at night. But I wouldn't want to. I might miss this moment and that would just not do. I love this moment. I need this moment. The rest of the day he is a bundle of energy, climbing everything in sight and emptying drawers and cabinets faster than I can run behind him. He doesn't have many words yet but the ones he does have are said with a scream and nothing less. MAMA!!! BABA!!! (his word for his brother) This kid moves non-stop. Except right now. Right now, he is still. I need this still moment. My mommy-heart thrives on it.

He sits in the backseat, tired and quiet. This boy, unlike his younger brother, is so verbose. He just doesn't stop talking! Mommy, what animal is the predator of the eagle? Did you know that dinosaurs that eat only meat are carnivores? I think I am a carnivore. I love to eat meat. I asked Santa for an eagle toy. One that flies and says 'caw, caw'.... You get the point. The cool thing is, his brain moves even faster than his tongue. I love that about him. So even though it is at times tough to get a word in with this kid, in this moment he is quiet. He is still recovering a bit from illness and we have had a busy day. Church and lunch and a fun little mommy-and-me stamping party. I turn my head to see if he has fallen asleep. He is awake, just calm. He sees me looking at him and our eyes meet and he smiles. I say, "I love you Lucas." His grin gets bigger. I love you too, Mommy.
Last night, after his brother was in bed, Lucas sat with me on the couch to read our Advent books. Actually, he started in a different chair watching his latest obsession, Wonder Pets. When he saw me sit, he turned off the TV and came over to snuggle with me. I love this moment. I need this moment. The rest of the day he is a busy little chatterbox who frequently pushes/kicks/squeezes/lays on top of his brother and doesn't ever want to stop what he is doing to pee or eat or obey. He is your typical boundary-pushing, exasperating preschooler. Except right now. Right now, he is still. He is quiet, except for that sweet unsolicited "I love you!" which makes any moment other than this seem to fade into the background. I need this still moment with him sitting in my lap listening to me read. My mommy-heart thrives on it.

I am the mother of 3 boys. One of them I never heard utter a sound. But our eyes met and he squeezed my hand. These other two make nothing but noise all day. And I admit to having my fill of it sometimes. Add in the barking dog and I just may lose my mind somedays. But these moments, these quiet moments, are what keep me. These boys are my heart, my soul. They are no less a part of me and vital to my existence than my own lungs or brain. And when our eyes meet and they sit close and squeeze my hand, I am whole. And I am still.


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Eye, Eye Matey!!

I seem to have this unfortunate inclination towards eye injuries.

When Lucas was just a little older than Caden is now (September '07), he was playing with blocks on the floor and pitched one at me. The block hit me just under my right eye and left me with a pretty serious shiner and a fractured cheek bone. I had a black-eye for just about a month. It hurt like crazy, took forever to heal. But just one of those things right...

Well, this week I experienced eye injury round two. I can't really blame this one on the kiddos, although it was in the evening and both boys were in full toddler-meltdown mode which significantly contributed to my frazzled state-of-mind. I leaned over to pick up a piece of trash off the kitchen floor. I misjudged a box sitting nearby and the corner of the box went right into the corner of my left eye. OUCH!! It immediately started to throb in pain and was totally swollen shut within an hour or so of the injury. I didn't go to the doctor until the next day when my vision was totally blurry in that eye. The opthamologist said it was a one inch long scratch on my cornea and another scratch on the underside of my eyelid. No wonder it felt like sand-paper was in my eye every time I blinked. He put this little "patch strip" in my eye and then a patch bandage over my eye as well (no pics this time... but trust me, I looked ridiculous!). I had to go back the next day to get another internal patch and I have to go back two times this week for the same thing. Eye injuries are NO FUN. Let me repeat, NO FUN! When I had the eye bandage on, I though Lucas would think it was SO COOL seeing how he is so into pirates these days. However, when he saw me, I asked him if I looked like a pirate. His response... "No mommy, you don't have a sword." Oh, well.
It is starting to feel much better, although my eyelid is bruised and I still have blurry vision in that eye (mostly now due to the ointment and drops I have to put in). What is it with me and eye injuries! Raising boys is a contact sport, I suppose. :)



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