Lessons in Margin

Almost weekly in college, I was given the assignment in one class or another to write a one-page reflection paper about a book or article or experience, etc... One page. No more, no less. Probably in part because the professor didn't want to read 5million pages of random thoughts. But there was also value in learning to condense and edit your thoughts into one, concise page. I am sure I was not the only one who wrote my paper and then played with the font and page settings until I made it all fit on one page. Most of the time to do that, I had to reduce the page margins to the very minimum allowed, defeating one of the main objectives of the exercise. I find myself doing the same thing lately, although this time it is not the margins of my paper I am cutting. It is the margin of my life.

I have alluded before that I am currently reading some very clarifying books, trying desperately to get life back to a manageable place. Before the holidays, our counselor introduced us to the concept of personal margin- the space you give yourself, build into your life, so that you are not constantly living on the verge of overload or, even worse, complete breakdown. That was me. Is me. I do live life constantly on the edge of insanity, keeping my head above water but sometimes just barely. I try hard to cram so much "life" into my days that I am missing life. Does that make sense to anyone? Metaphorically, I am typing out my paper, putting in all the thoughts and paragraphs I think make it a better piece. But in the end, my one page paper turns into three. Instead of cutting out the things that don't need to be said or could be said a better way, I reduce the margins.

I cut, and cut, and cut... until there is no margin to spare. "I can add this one more thing, this one playdate, this one extra commitment or project or...." You get the idea. It is the whole "camel's back" scenario.

Well, enough. I am taking back my margin, one cut at a time.

It usually takes things coming to a crisis moment for me to remember why I have to vigilantly protect my space. One such moment came today. I have to beginnings of a sinus infection, no food in my pantry, a messy house, a toddler that has resumed his habit of getting up a 2:30am.... all while planning a toddler valentine party, potty-training, managing my baby that won't nap, trying to pick a preschool, re-teach Caden to take a bottle, planning some upcoming travel, going on a playdate with a good friend, coffee with another... AHHHHHHH! All good and real parts of life. But all together, too much. At least for me. There may be some women who can manage all these things with a hand tied behind their back and do it with grace and time to spare. But not me. I need more margin than that.

I stood in the kitchen this afternoon and cried. Overwhelmed, tired, feeling sick,... My sweet sympathetic little man says, "mommy, don't cry. Jesus loves you. I love you, mommy." That makes me feel a little better (how could it not!).

Then Hubby made dinner, let me nap for 30min, and then gave Lucas a bath and did bedtime while I schlepped my exhausted (and self) to a local coffee shop to meet a friend and get out of the house. It was another thing to do, but actually did wonders for my sanity. So did coming home and cleaning the house a bit while Caden (thankfully) continued to sleep.

My life margins are still smaller than they need to be. But I am getting there. I am learning what things need to be cut and how to best manage the rest. And I know that there will always be extra things that pop-up or cannot be avoided. But the good thing about building in margin, is that when they do, I will be ready. I will be better equipped to handle it because I will have room instead of constantly living at the intersection of overloaded and overwhelmed.

Subscribe to Me!! Click here for your regular dose of BabyLove Slings!

Read more...

Napping and Peeing

If we were playing Jeopardy, the correct question would be..

"What is how I spent the two coldest days of the year?"

My boys, sharing a story.

With highs in the negative numbers, any self-preserving mama does not bundle her kids up and go out if she doesn't have to. I didn't have to, so I didn't. We just hunkered down and taught one boy to nap by himself and the other to pee in the potty. Both tasks are still very much works in progress, but I am choosing to celebrate some small victories.

I have been reading very good books on both topics (napping and potty training) and I think some of it is paying off. Thursday, Caden slept in the co-sleeper for almost 2hours, by himself, for his morning nap. Friday was not such a good day, but I did the same routine and I am hoping that my consistency will eventually pay off. I did let him cry a bit. I can't believe I just typed that and admitted it to myself and the world. Thursday, he cried for 7min and fell asleep. Friday, he cried for 10min and was not showing signs of giving up so I picked him up. I went through the routine again until he was almost asleep and then laid him down. He laid there quiet for a few minutes, started to cry, and I let him cry for another 10min before I went and got him. He then proceeded to nap in the MeiTai for about an hour. Oh, well. Baby steps, right? Today we were out and the routine was non-existent and tomorrow is church. But Monday we are back to it... hopefully.

One point that Elizabeth Pantley makes in her book is that it is helpful for babies to fall asleep where they are going to sleep. It is easier for them to self-soothe and bridge from one sleep phase to another alone if they aren't startled by their location when they begin to stir. I am finding that to be very true for Caden. Thus, I am trying really hard to teach him to fall asleep in the co-sleeper but am finding it much easier said than done.

Task #2: potty training! Potty training for us has so far been led by two things...Lucas and bribes. At first, he was VERY resistant to even sitting on the potty. So I bought a Cars book he could only read while sitting there. It worked!! Then, we bought small toys (little cars, trains, ...) that he could choose from if he went pee pee on the potty. That worked too, but not at first. He would look at the toys and say "not right now...I am not ready to learn that yet." But when he was ready, it just happened and he was SO proud of himself (not to mention excited to pick a new car!). Now I have to figure out how to teach him to tell me when he has to go. He knows when he has to go, he just gets so caught up in playing that it is an inconvenience to him to take a break (even to change a diaper or eat a meal). One step at a time, I guess. I am definitely not one of those "potty-training in a day" people. It has worked for many of my friends. We are just taking a different, more gradual approach.


I am trying so hard not to get impatient with either boy and their progress. I am also trying to be diligent in my "training" for each task but often get lazy or busy or something... A little grace for me and the boys is in order, I guess. We are making progress, slowly but surely.

Read more...