Caden Turns Three!!

It's Caden's turn to be interviewed. I started with Lucas when he turned 3 and today is CADEN'S BIRTHDAY!!! Hooray! We have a fun day planned with the family today- lunch with daddy, Pirate's Cove amusement park and then dinner out somewhere. I love this little guy. He certainly tests my patience and pushes my buttons. But he is so sweet and snuggly and has sings the most angelic little songs. I think Caden might could have a career in music... or maybe football. Or both! :)
So here they are... the thoughts and likes of 3yr old Caden.. enjoy!

Favorites:

cereal- Fruit Loops (he says as he eats the Trix he picked out for his birthday cereal. Although to his defense, I am pretty sure he thinks all "yummy" cereals are Fruit Loops.)
vegetable- carrots
drink- juice
toy- Batman
TV Show- Batman Beyond (which he saw maybe once on demand... but they have a book about it and just read it this morning)
game- Candy World
movie- Rio (he just opened one of his birthday presents- the Rio DVD)
book- Kung Fu Panda
restaurant- Two Toots
holiday-Christmas
animal-Elephant

If you could change your name, what would you choose? Thor, because I like him. Or a Kung Fu Panda name, like Tigress.

What do you love about each person in our family? Daddy- hugs, Lucas-great hugs, Hadley-I like when him scratches his back. Mommy- I like to play with Momma

Where would you like to go on vacation this year? Vacation Bible School

What are some of your wishes for this year? My wish, that I could go to the moon.

Is there anything are you excited about? Pirates Cove! And that we are staying together (then I got a really big hug!!!)

What can you do when you are 3 that you couldn't do when you were 2? I don't know... get presents? Or Flynn Rider or something... (we just saw Tangled)

What will it be like to be 3? I don't know yet. (fair enough!)

What do you think is the greatest thing about you? Playing. I'm good at eating. (that's debatable) And I am a good singer. (then breaks into song!)


And here are his 3yr. old thoughts on Mommy....

1. What is something mommy always says to you? "Get out of there"
2. What makes mom happy? Talking
3. What makes mom sad? when she gets mad
4. How does mom make you laugh? She does lots of funny things, like laughing.
5. What was your mom like as a child?I don't know...talked about babies (hmmm... interesting) (then he started singing 'Rock-a-bye baby)
6. How old is your mom? 2
7. How tall is your mom? Big
8. What is her favorite thing to do? Play superheros
9. What does your mom do when you're not around? Play drums (Just for the record, I have never played drums in my life. Not even once.)
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? Famous for her little boys
11. What is your mom really good at? Yoga
12. What is your mom not very good at? Hiking (HAHA!! Where did that come from? I couldn't make this stuff up, y'all!)
13. What does your mom do for a job? Go to Work
14.What is your mom's favorite food? Salad
15.What makes you proud of your mom? Awesome things
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? Super Girl
17. What do you and your mom do together? Play superheros
18. How are you and your mom the same? Sleeping
19. How are you and your mom different?When we aren't sleeping together
20. How do you know your mom loves you? Play with me, and comfort me (aww!!!!)
21. What does your mom like most about your dad? Hugging
22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? go to Pirate's Cove
Is there anything else you want to say that I can write here? Sorry
(HA!! I guess the way I phrased it was similar to when I am trying to remind him to apologize for something. I guess you can also tell that he has to do that a lot! )

It was funny to watch Lucas listen to Caden's answers. He even remembered some of the order of the questions, asking Caden the next one before I could get to it. He had a hard time not answering for Caden and I had to remind him several times that this was about hearing what Caden had to say. It was fun to look back and see what Lucas said when he was three.

Happy Birthday, sweet Caden. My snuggly, smart little boy. He does love to sing, loves to play superheros with Mommy and Brother and gives some of the best hugs in the whole, wide world. May you always greet the world with smiles and joy. I can't wait to see you grow and become all the you are made to be.

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Stubborn but Sweet

Two years ago on his 3rd birthday, I asked Lucas this series of questions to get a peek at his perspective on his world. I fully had the intent to do it every year and forgot to record his answers last year. But here they are for this year (Lucas' answers are in bold).

Favorites:

cereal- Fruit Loops
vegetable-Broccoli
drink- Milkshake
toy- Batman
TV Show- Batman
game- Batman video game
book- Batman book (are you seeing a theme around here? Last time it was cars, now we are obsessed with superheros. Too obsessed...)
restaurant- Steak and Shake (nice)
holiday-Halloween- No wait, maybe Christmas. But at Halloween you get to dress up, so yeah, Halloween.
animal- bat

If you could change your name, what would you choose? I don't know how I would change my name. Maybe just switch the letters. Start with the U, then the L, then A and C and S. U-L-A-C-S.

What do you love about each person in our family? Daddy-He is so strong and tough, Caden-He's my brother, Hadley-that he is just part of the family, Mommy- That you always play with me

Where would you like to go on vacation this year? Gotham City (of course, silly me)

What are some of your wishes for this year? I would like to get Aquaman and Cyborg because I don't have those yet. And I would like to go to the fair. (Me:What kind of fair?) Just like a regular fair.

Is there anything are you excited about? That Mimi and Pa are coming! And we can play with them! I am so excited! It will be so fun! But I will probably be in bed when they first get here and that is not so cool. But then I will wake up and they will be here and that will be super cool!!

What can you do when you are 5 that you couldn't do when you were 4 or 3? Go to Kindergarten
What will it be like to be 5? I'm really a big boy now. It will be cool.
What do you think is the greatest thing about you? That I have a good imagination and that I am the greatest little boy in the world.


And here are his 5yr. old thoughts on Mommy....

1. What is something mom always says to you? "Do not push Caden."
2. What makes mom happy? When I obey
3. What makes mom sad? When I don't keep my promises
4. How does mom make you laugh? When she tickles me
5. What was your mom like as a child? I don't know, you probably rode a bike or something
6. How old is your mom? 60 (lovely) (Me: But Grandpa Bob is 60. Do I look as old as Grandpa Bob? No, but that is just what came to my mind.)
7. How tall is your mom? THIS tall (holds his hands wide apart)
8. What is her favorite thing to do? Play with me (it is certainly in the top 5)
9. What does your mom do when you're not around? Let me think... Since I'm not there, I don't really know. That makes sense, right. (this is almost exactly what he said 2yrs ago... so funny!)
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? Being a superhero
11. What is your mom really good at? Playing with me
12. What is your mom not very good at? Not playing with me (not sure I totally get this one, except he was trying to say that he really loves when I play with him)
13. What does your mom do for a job? She works at the hospital
14.What is your mom's favorite food? Diet Pepsi
15.What makes you proud of your mom? When she wins a run
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? WonderWoman
17. What do you and your mom do together? Play with each other- Batman and ToyStory
18. How are you and your mom the same? We both have books
19. How are you and your mom different? We don't both have toys
20. How do you know your mom loves you? 'Cuz I just know
21. What does your mom like most about your dad? That she married him
22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? That I don't have a good answer for. It is not coming to my mind very quickly. I'll have to think about that and tell you later.
Is there anything else you want to say that I can write here? I don't really have anything else to say.

I once again had to manage my own expectations a bit on this activity. In my heart, I thought it would be so cute to hear his answers and listen to what he had to say. In actuality, I was frustrated that just about every answer was about toys and Batman. I actually felt myself getting annoyed with him. I mean, I was asking him about himself. And he is only 5 after all, but he seems to be very self-focused and "stuff" obsessed. He really is a very affectionate kid and very tender at times. But I am seeing the need to begin teaching him a little more about service and integrity and gratitude. And not copping a major attitude. You'd think I was parenting a 13yr old girl somedays... so much drama and attitude. (BTW~ I am so grateful to NOT be parenting a 13yr old girl right now!)
But even though we are going through a bit of a stage with him right now, he is still one of the most remarkable little boys I have ever known. I recently went to see an amazing high school drama performance and as I was watching, I could totally see Lucas someday on a similar stage. He is so bright and his whole face lights up when he smiles. If he starts to sing a song or recite something and then notices someone is listening, he starts at the beginning so he can get the whole thing right. He loves to pretend and his imagination is unmatchable. He is very thoughtful and loving and yet SO, so mouthy and dramatic.
Funny how in the same post I can talk about how frustrating he is and yet how much he has my heart. Such is life as a mother of a 5year old. Actually, just life as a mother in general. :)

I Love You , Lucas Lu. You never cease to amaze me. Your future is limitless and I am so excited to see where you will go. But please don't ever stray too far from my arms. I am not complete without you. You are my world, you stubborn yet sweet little boy. Happy 5th Birthday!





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Solid 30s

I took Caden with me yesterday to get a new driver's license (for me, not Caden!). As the kind DMV guy was renewing my license, he pointed to the height/weight/eye color portion and said "Ma'am, would you like to update any of this information?" Ugh.

True. I am a bit different in many ways from my "8 years ago" self. A few more pounds, a few more babies. Probably a few more pounds because of the few more babies. Well, them and the Twizzlers and chocolate that help me cope with them. But hopefully it is more than that. A little more self-aware. A little further down the road.

I love this life, mostly. I am grateful for my family and friends. There are certainly things I would change, but we all have those. Most of the things I would tweak about my life have very little to do with my actual life and everything to do with how I approach it.

So here we go. 34. Hubby says this is a good place to be. "Not just turned 30 but on the good side of 40," he says. "Solidly in your 30s." (We'll see how he spins it next year . *wink,wink*) But I kinda agree. I am solidly in my 30s. I am getting more and more comfortable with myself every day and more and more brave to change the things that need the tweaking. Those extra pounds included. I can almost see how God has been leading and shaping and growing me. Almost. I am still getting there.

May year 34 bring much joy and clarity. Health and overall wellness. The strength to let go of my pride and pretense and just be me: a 34 yr old mama who treasures my boys and loves my life. Happy Birthday to me!



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My Sweet Little Caden

I remember the moment I first looked into those baby eyes. I was immediately sure that I would love him forever, even though I wasn't sure I could love anyone more than I loved Lucas. Then here he came, storming into my world, changing everything.
He is so different from his brother, and yet wants to be just like him. He is my little mimic, my little snuggler, my sweet little baby who melts me. He hides the TV remote, loves Buzz Lightyear, tries to ride our pup like a horse while yelling "Yeehaw Cowboy!" Then, he grabs his "bumpa" (blankie) and crawls in my lap saying "Nap, mama. Hold you." He is wild, chatty, crazy, and just a bit stubborn. But yet, so sweet and charming and knows just how to make me smile (even when I want to be mad).I love this sweet little man. He calms my heart, he and his brother both. His whole face smiles when he does, but most especially his eyes. These eyes that I first looked into 2years ago and that totally took my breath away. I wasn't anticipating him, I wasn't planning for him, I wasn't trying for him. But life without him seems unfathomable.

Sweet, sweet little Caden. I love your spunk, your sparkly eyes, your precious (although a bit impish) grin. Be who you are, even if that is different than your brother. Even if it is different than anyone else. You are God's special, unexpected gift to me and our family. Embrace who God made you to be. Trust that God and your mama will always be there to uphold you and make you stronger.

My sweet little Caden. Happy Birthday!

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My Little Light-Giver

Today, my baby is four years old. Every day, he surprises me with the depth of his tender, loving heart and his curiosity for all around him. I feel incapable of putting into words how I feel about this little boy. He is my heart on the outside. I just simply adore him, and not just because I am his mother and I have to. I truly think he is one of the greatest kids on the planet.
His name means "Giver of Light" and that is exactly what he is. To hear his joyous cry at the culmination of a pregnancy filled with anxiety and fear was indeed like light shining in a dark room and causing the darkness to scatter. He brought light to my soul and continues to do so everyday.

Lucas, if you ever read this one day, I just want you to know how deeply, deeply I love you. I love how from the moment you could talk, you have been asking questions and wanting to know everything about your world. "Mommy, talk about mud. Talk about trees. Talk about...." I love watching you learn to read and how you have always been so good at puzzles. God has blessed you with a love and an aptitude for knowledge. You are constantly learning and growing and it is a gift to help you in that journey.
I love your tender heart that feels everything from elation to frustration so intensely. You wear your emotion on your sleeve, both the good and the bad. Any amount of frustration or anger I feel really does melt away when you throw your arms around me and tell me you love me. I would chose to spend time with you and your brother over anyone in this entire world.
Lucas Robert, you bring so much light to me and all who know you. Never lose that spark that sets you apart. You may not be good at everything. You will fail at some things. People will disappoint you and you will do the same to others. I will disappoint you too and fall short at times of the mother you need me to be. But no matter what, you are a precious child of God who is destined for great things. And I commit to you and the One to whom you ultimately belong, that I will seek Him and pray for you and ask for forgiveness when I fall short.
Lucas, my little bringer of light, you are deeply loved! Happy Birthday!

Birth

One
TwoThreeFour

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Go Mama, It's Your Birthday

Nothing like a little impromptu song and dance to brighten up any day but especially my birthday. This video of Caden on my birthday today makes my heart smile. I just love hearing his little voice trying to say "birthday." And you gotta love the kid's moves- the "flip over the couch" and the "spin 'til you drop" are instant classics. I hope it makes you smile too.


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Fragile

I am a perfectionist. This is no secret. And this little personality flaw trait sometimes hinders my ability to keep up on this blog. I want each post to be perfect and initiating the inertia to post something becomes harder and harder the longer I go without posting. I don't know where to start. Should I just jump in (do you care about all the little things?) or should I not post unless I have something truly profound or meaningful to say? Can I put up a review of our new favorite children's book if I haven't filled y'all in on the happenings of my life lately? All these silly bloggy questions.... Truthfully, none of it feels relevant tonight.

Today, I got a surprise visit from my good friend reality. The reality of the fragility of life seemed to smack me in the face today. A friend from work lost her husband to cancer. They have two small girls who are really missing their daddy tonight. I also got the news that a close family friend has advanced large cell lymphoma. Her doctors are treating her aggressively, trying to increase her chances of surviving it. She is older than me, younger than my parents, has three kids and grandbabies on the way. A bloggy friend lost her baby today. She went in for her 18wk. ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. Not cool. None of it.

On top of all this, I turn 33 tomorrow. Not that I am upset about that. I am really not that phased by it at all. I used to make a big deal out of my birthday. And I do still like to receive a little extra TLC on my one day and feel appreciated and celebrated. But that looks different now than it used to. But there is just something about birthdays that makes me step back and assess my life and priorities and all the such. One of my sweetest friends came over with her two kiddos this morning and we talked and watched the little ones play trains while the older ones played out in the snow. It was refreshing and fun and just what we both needed. And as usually happens with this dear friend, our conversation got me thinking even more about the things in my life that are meaningful and important.

I was accused recently of being selfish and only caring about what happens to me and my sons. And while I certainly have selfish moments or days or months, it is days like today where I realize that is mostly untrue. My heart hurts for these people in my life who are experiencing the harsh side of life's fragility. I have been there. I am there at times. I know that life is fragile. I have felt it slip away. I watch Caden play trains with his little friend and Lucas sled down our tiny hill, laughing and being a little boy. Certainly my heart is completely caught up in these boys. But the reality is that no matter how hard I try, I do not hold their lives. Only the angels surrounding them and God's love and perfect plan for them keep them safe and on the right path. And it is because of God's love for me that I have these boys at all. And a husband who loves me despite my selfishness. And friends who come over to let me vent and talk about my fears and failures and fragile places (that is a whole other blog post!!).

Even though my life is fairly stable at the moment, I know that my next moment could bring my familiar friend reality knocking again at my door. Life is fragile like that. I have known my own tragedy but I stand here today with my hubby and my boys and friends and family who love me. And I know that I am extravagantly blessed even during life's most fragile moments.


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Week 53

We have had a busy couple weeks, celebrating Caden's birthday with family and friends and just living life to the fullest. I have been horribly delinquent with posting here so I thought a little update was in order. Here is a photo tour of week 53+ for Caden and his family...

I took the boys to the Arboretum on Caden's actual birthday (the 11th). We love to be outside and in the fresh air, running in the grass and feeling the warm breeze. It was a great way to celebrate my boys and Caden's birthday. We then went home and had a picnic lunch with Daddy which was also super fun.

My parents and sister came into town later in the week to continue the celebration. Here we are playing outside by Micah's tree. It was just a perfect day and I felt so blessed to have my parents with us. To see them playing with the boys just makes life seem simple and meaningful to me. I know they cherish my sons and each bring so much joy to the other. And that to me, is priceless. I want my boys to grow up having as much time with Mimi and Pa as possible. What a richness they bring to their lives and for that I am so grateful.

Lucas eating watermelon at the park. I couldn't resist adding in this pic. I love that little watermelon-face!! :)

My family all trekked down to the city for the Chicago Air and Water show. It was a fabulous show and we had a great time. Lucas loved the airplanes, as long as I was covering his ears! (He doesn't like loud noises) :) My dad is a retired AirForce fighter pilot so it was especially meaningful to see with him. Lucas even declared he wants to be a fighter pilot when he grows up to the delight of us all!

Caden's official birthday party was last Sunday. It was a simple gathering of some friends from church and our small group. I just wanted to have a picnic outside by Micah's tree. But the weather forced us inside which turned out even better. Thank God for unexpected blessings. Caden certainly didn't let us down with the smushing of the cake. But the highlights of the party were definitely the kids riding their trikes around safety town and then one of the kids pulling the fire alarm as the party was drawing to a close. The fire trucks came and we all had to evacuate the building. It was pretty funny and the kids thought I had arranged the coolest birthday party finale ever!

I became an Auntie! My brother-in-law and my sister-in-law had a little baby girl on August 16th. Now I can finally buy all those adorable dresses and spoil my sweet niece! She is so tiny and so precious!

This weekend, we went to the Day Out with Thomas at the Illinois Railway Museum. As we plugged along on the 10min train ride, we pretended to be traveling to Sodor. "I see Gordon pulling his tender," Lucas would say and Hubby and I would play along. We had a blast. It was just the refreshing time together as a family that we needed after a busy birthday season.


As you can see, we have been pretty busy. But all fun things so I can't complain!
I am really gonna try to be better about posting here. My life is in transition right now. I have a lot of irons in the fire and a bit of a heavy heart. But, I am sorting and purging and figuring things out and would certainly appreciate your prayers as I do so. Have you heard the Matthew West song "The Motions?" You should listen to it if you haven't. It has become my mantra of late. Better yet, my prayer.
Lord, make my life meaningful and intentional, not just going through the motions. These boys, this life, are too precious to live any other way. Help me, Lord, to live the 51 weeks left in this 2nd year of Caden's life with passion and love and peace.




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He Just Makes Life Sparkle

I had all these plans tonight of planning his party, making party favors, and spending some quality time reflecting on the last year and all that his birth has brought into my life. But, he didn't nap well today, is teething, and seems to be really hungry lately (growth spurt?). And every mother knows those three things equate to an interruption in whatever sleep patterns may or may not exist. So instead of having lots of time to get things done tonight, I am nursing and rocking and bouncing and patting and singing. And while I liked my original plan, this seems like the appropriate way to welcome in Caden's 1st birthday. It is certainly representative of the last year of both of our lives.
He is my constant interruption, my companion that rarely leaves my hip. Even as I type this, he sleeps in my lap, stirring occasionally and smacking those lips as if he is need of nourishment. He is really only in need of reassurance that mama is still here and eager to meet his needs. And I am. I think, though, that having him here in my lap is just as reassuring to me.

Before Caden, I thought life was leveling out- that I was getting back to a manageable place. Then came the news that little Caden was growing in my womb and life took an unexpected turn. But sitting here looking at his sweet face, I wouldn't trade a bit of the chaos for even a minute of peace. He makes life rich and full. Busy, crazy, sleepless. But wonderfully full.

He is getting so big and is a baby no more. I love how he is starting to push back when his brother gets a little rough. I love how he leans in to look me right in the face when I am holding him. He giggles and his 3 little teeth make for the most adorable smile ever! His eyes sparkle and he makes mine do the same.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Caden.
You take my plans and shake them all up. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

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Cake, Cake, and more Cake

About a month before his birthday, Lucas announced to me that he needed three cakes because he was turning three. A dangerous tradition to start, but I indulged him this year. While we were in Florida with my parents, I made a fire engine and a police car and an ambulance (per his request).



Then, for our family birthday celebration he told me he wanted a "mountain that is on fire, with strawberries, and the firemen are coming to put out the fire." Lucky for me, he agreed to have a house on fire instead of the mountain.


Notice the gummie bear waiting to be rescued out the window. :) With last year's dino cake as my first attempt, I was pretty pleased with this year. Lucas is forcing me to step up my game a bit. Of course, for his actual birthday party he just wanted some chocolate cupcakes. I can handle that. :)

For more Wordful Wednesday, visit Angie at Seven Clown Circus.

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Out of the Mouths of Babes

Just before New Years, I read several posts about people doing annual interviews with their kids. There has also recently been something similar going around Facebook. When I initially saw this idea, I thought it would be a great thing to do with the boys on their birthdays and record their answers every year. These are Lucas' answers from this year. Each answer is exactly as he said it- whether it makes sense or not. Some are silly and nonsensical and some answers are tender and very sweet. I guess that is fitting for my goofy, imaginative and yet very loving little boy! Enjoy and I hope it makes you smile.

Favorites:

• cereal- cheerios
  
• vegetable- fruit
  
• drink- apple juice
  
• toy- Cars, the ones with eyes
  
• TV Show- Cars Movie
  
• game- Candy Land
  
• book- Cars is my favorite book (are you seeing a theme around here?)
  
• restaurant- McDonalds (uh-oh...)
  
• holiday- getting groceries (umm, SO not a holiday, but that is what he said even after I explained what a holiday was)
  
• animal- giraffes
  

If you could change your name, what would you choose? L-U-C-A-S

What do you love about each person in our family? Daddy-his work, Caden-he's so giggly, Hadley-he's a puppa puppa, Mommy- how you love me so much

Where would you like to go on vacation this year? Florida

What are some of your wishes for this year? a brush so I can brush a goat (We recently went to the zoo where he got to brush a goat and he thought that was super cool)

And here are his 3yr. old thoughts on Mommy.... oh, boy.....

1. What is something mom always says to you? "Come here"
2. What makes mom happy? Me cleaning up my toys
3. What makes mom sad? Hitting you, Mommy
4. How does mom make you laugh? Little giggles
5. What was your mom like as a child? I don't know, I wasn't born yet (He's got me there)
6. How old is your mom? 2years months
7. How tall is your mom? Big enough to carry a whole ark (Wow, that IS big!)
8. What is her favorite thing to do? Play with blocks
9. What does your mom do when you're not around? I don't know, I'm not here. (He's got me there too.)
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? I don't know, mommy, you're not famous (So true...)
11. What is your mom really good at? trying shoes on (huh? I don't think have bought a new pair of shoes in a REALLY long time. Not for myself anyway)
12. What is your mom not very good at? getting things out of stuff- like play doh and rocket ships
13. What does your mom do for a job? Go help people at the hospital (I'm a nurse part-time :) )
14.What is your mom's favorite food? Sausage (only if found in gravy and served over biscuits)
15.What makes you proud of your mom? Helping me clean up my toys
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? A truck
17. What do you and your mom do together? play with cars (yup, in fact we are doing it right now!)
18. How are you and your mom the same? me and you are best friends
19. How are you and your mom different? trying on shoes (again, huh?)
20. How do you know your mom loves you? SO MUCH!! Same as me! (points back to mommy)
21. What does your mom like most about your dad? hugging each other
22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? to the fairy place. Do you like to go to the fairy place, Mommy? You know, where all the fairies live and they sleep and they eat their oatmeal.
Is there anything else you want to say that I can write here? It is all about me, going on the potty. That is what it is all about. You can write that, Mommy.

Did you smile? I love seeing his perspective on his world. I think we'll try to do this every year and see how the answers evolve. My sweet little man!



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Another year older...

...but I'm not sure about the wiser part. I am 32 today. The big, insignificant, smack in the midst of my 30's 3-2!! I am usually one to reflect and ponder life on my birthday. And doing so in this moment, I am just struck by the fabulousness of my life. For all the challenges and sometimes struggles, I am an abundantly blessed girl. I see that very clearly in this moment.

Oblige this birthday girl as I share with you some of the reasons I am a grateful girl whose heart, today, is overwhelmed by the blessings of all my boys (shown in order of their entrance into my world)

Hubby showing yet one more way you can wear a wrap :) I wouldn't recommend putting a baby in this hold... a basket of fruit perhaps

Micah, looking up at his Mama

Sweet (yet sometimes oh-so-naughty) Hadley Barkalicious (that is his full name)

The joy of my life- LRB

My CLB, with eyes the sparkle and a smile that melts me.

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A Daily Dose of Appreciation (AKA Birthdays, who needs em?)

I turned 31 yesterday and birthdays tend to bring out my introspective side. I have always been one that likes to be celebrated on my birthday. In years past (aka pre-kids), I could never decide what restaurant to choose for my birthday dinner so we would have 2 or 3. Last year though, just one. This year, my parents took me out while we were in Florida and hubby is taking me out tomorrow. But my actual birthday came and went with very little fanfare. And I am ok with that. I didn't think I would be, but I am. I did go to The Gap and use some Christmas gift cards which was a fun treat. I did get beautiful roses delivered from hubby. But other than that, relatively low key. And it was fine.

Last year (my 30th) I had this grandiose idea of how my 30th birthday should be celebrated. I wanted a big fat gift or a big fat party or a big fat trip to somewhere, anywhere. I got none of that. In fact, I actually didn't even get a card from hubby. I got a birthday dinner to my traditional birthday restaurant of choice and probably some flowers. I was very hurt, mostly because I had been telling hubby for no less than a year before that I wanted to celebrate 30 in a big way. We have worked through this and I forgive him and we have moved on. But, I say all that as a contrast to how I feel this year. Man, I guess it is possible to mature. :) This year, I don't feel the need to celebrate in a grand way. I am content with my low key day and delayed dinner out.

I know that part of my birthday contentment stems from an overall increase in my feeling of being appreciated and valued. Hubby and I have been going to counseling since last July and it has seriously made a world of difference. Counseling sometimes has this stigma, like you must have serious problems if you have to take that step. But for me, for us, it was about getting healthy and learning how to stay there. We had gotten to a point last summer where we basically co-existed. More roommates than spouses. I know that lots of couples find themselves in a similar position post-baby, but I was miserable. I felt that I would rather not be married than for marriage to look and feel that way. So, although there was no huge marital crisis, we started going to counseling to help us learn how to re-connect on a deeper plane and give us some tools to better communicate and weather conflict. Through this process of counseling, I have started to find my voice and have begun to say the things I am feeling and needing instead of bottling them up. This has freed hubby to be able to respond to my true feelings and needs instead of my defensive anger and hurt. What a difference! We have learned some very deep truth about each other and how we see the world so differently. And also how we can better come along side each other and meet each other's true needs. I don't mean to say that we have this down now and we never fight. We just had a spat tonight where hubby wasn't using the carpet cleaner as I thought he should and he totally snapped at me. I, of course, responded sarcastically and with a rude comment. But, those episodes are getting less frequent and more recoverable. Hubby is working hard to meet my needs. And me, I am feeling more appreciated and valued because he is acknowledging my hard work and trying to be what I need him to be.

So, this year, I don't feel the need to over do it on my birthday. That is partly because of the age. 31. Officially in my 30's. Time to grow up, I guess. But also because I am getting more of the validating I need on all the other days. Learning how to communicate my true needs and my true self has not been easy, but the rewards seem to be starting to pay off.

There is one more reason this birthday feels less monumental. I have a bit of a heavy heart these days.... but that is for another day, another post.

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