Progress, I think.

After I wrote this last night, I sat on the couch - thinking, praying, regretting just a bit that I had dumped all my insecurities and issues out for all to see and judge. Feeling a little guilty for sounding so dreary and making it seem like I am never happy. I really can be a fun girl, I swear.
Then I read this from one of my dearest friends. Yes, that is me too. Weary, tired, sometimes unable to see things for how they truly are. That post reminded me of this one by another dear friend. Also me- so grateful for those special moments when your heart can hardly contain the pride and joy and blessing and depths of love for these boys.
So I sat on my couch, thinking and watching Caden sleep nearby. His precious little baby head covered in fuzzy hair except those few long strands on top that never fell out. The sweet sound of his lips smacking in his sleep (must be dreaming of nursies)and the occasional little groan as he adjusts and gets comfortable. Oh that face! I could stare at it forever. The day will come when he is 1, 2,... 10. And maybe life will be more smooth or maybe just differently bumpy. And I will miss looking at and kissing this baby.
[Note to self: Drink this in- cherish these moments, bumps and all. ]

I picked up my sleeping baby and headed upstairs for bed. This is what I found:

I don't know when Lucas went into my bed, but there he was all snuggled under my covers sleeping with daddy (who had NO IDEA he was there!). I gently woke him and led him back to his own bed. "I came to look for you, Mommy. I was missing you in my sleep," he said as we walked the short hall back to his room.
I sat next to his toddler bed supporting Caden as he nursed with one hand and rubbing Lucas' legs with the other. My weariness may cause me to miss some things, but this moment was not lost on me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath- you know, one of those breaths where you can feel the air expanding your lungs and the stress just melting away. A cleansing breath, and with it comes renewal and awareness and peace. Before I know it, Lucas will be 3,4,5...15. And I will miss his sweet expressions of love for me and his sincere desire to just be with his mama.

Motherhood is hard. So very hard. And days like yesterday simply reinforce the truth that I cannot do it on my own. None of us can. I am fortunate to have some very sweet friends who left encouraging words for me, came over to watch my boys for an hour so I could go for a walk, and have always tried to walk beside me no matter what. Friends like that are good for my soul. And we have just entered the season of Lent, the time of the church year when we are preparing for Easter and acknowledging our need for God. My need for God feels very real right now. More real than it has in a long time. And I think that too is good for my soul. I am a work in progress with pretty regular set backs. But progress none the less. And God's hand on me is never as evident as when the final moments of a really rough day are spent cradling my sleeping angels and drinking in the beauty of the moment.
[Note to self: spend more moments taking deep breaths and letting the beauty sink in and less time worrying about all that may or may not happen in the next moment.]

P.S.~I have said all along that this blog is my journey, both good and bad. It is where I share my passions, my joys, my tears and frustrations - my life. It is where I vent my bad days and share my good ones. I am honored that anyone would want to read it. So, thank you if you do. It is therapy for me and maybe, just maybe, it can be helpful to someone else. If you are reading, I would love to follow your journey too. Thanks for joining me on mine, even if the road is a bit bumpy sometimes.

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A good day- simple, but one of the best!

My day started at 5:40 when Lucas came crashing through my bedroom door, ready to start the day. I luckily convinced him to lay in my bed and watch Playhouse Disney for 20 minutes. Getting up before 6am has never been one of my strengths. We came downstairs and had a typical Lucas breakfast of blueberry waffles and orange juice and fruit. Feeling abnormally awake for 6:30am, I decided to help Lucas turn a diaper box into a race car. We had an amazing hour together, gluing and coloring and cutting, laughing and making race car noises together. It was one of those moments that you wish someone was secretly capturing on video. It made me start to think that maybe I was destined to be the mother of boys. It is a pretty cool race car, if I do say so myself! Lucas thinks so too. (Don't you just love the bedhead.)
At 7:45, we woke up hubby so we could all get showered and ready to join a community outreach at one of the local elementary schools. It is not a school we are in any way connected to, just an opportunity to worship through service. So for the next 3 hours, we painted and pulled weeds and did landscaping together as a family on a gorgeous Chicago spring morning. It was hard work but just really fun. To be outside, together, and teaching Lucas the value of serving together.
We came home around noon for lunch and naps. Lucas slept for almost 3hours (which if you know anything about me and Lucas and sleeping is AMAZING in itself) and I slept for most of that myself.
The doorbell rang in the afternoon and 2 dozen beautiful roses arrived at my door. Beautiful flowers with a card from all my boys, all 5. :) I'm a lucky mom, so lucky.

The three of us went grocery shopping and then had a gourmet meal of hot dogs and baby carrots. Hubby gave Lucas a bath and I put him to bed. I was giving him a face and head massage and I thought he was asleep so I pulled my hand away. Lucas reached down and grabbed my hand. "More mommy, thank you mommy." My heart and my mouth both smiled. My sweet, tender boy.

A good day, and it even included grocery shopping. But what made it a good day was the precious moments I had with my boys. Now I am watching a fun, yet kinda deep, romantic comedy movie with hubby while playing dueling laptops and Baby Next is doing his evening gymnastics routine in my uterus. It was a fabulous Saturday before Mother's Day. Just a really good day.

Happy Mother's Day everyone - may you have a great day where you feel celebrated and cherished, full of tender moments with those you love.

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Maybe my luck is changing

I have seriously never won anything in my life. I am notoriously unlucky like that. I entered probably hundreds of contests during both of the Bloggy Carnivals (which are starting again in a few weeks) and I didn't win a single thing either time ....that is just the way my luck has been... until today.

Some of you may know that there is a new radio station in Chicagoland. Fresh 105.9 is like a cross between a top 40 and a lite station. As a way to promote themselves, they were giving away concert tickets to one lucky fan who registered for their on-line fan club. Well, I literally just got off the phone with someone from the station who informed me that I WON!!! I can't believe it. Little ol' unlucky me!! The tickets are to a Dave Matthews concert this summer and I have been a huge Dave fan since I was in high school. He got started at University of Virginia, about 2 hours from where I went to high school. My friends and I used to go see him all the time in little venues where he was selling CDs from his van trying to get started. Now it is like the hottest ticket in town... and I just won two of them!!! Hooray!! The only catch... the concert is like two weeks before I am due to give birth and Dave concerts are not exactly known for their abundance of fresh air (if you know what I am saying...). I may have to get OB approval, or just give the tickets to my sister who is a bigger fan than me. Either way, I WON and I am pumped about it! :)

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