These Are My Choices

As mothers, we make decisions daily about how we are going to parent our kids. What should I serve for lunch? Do I need to offer more vegetables this week? How do I discipline him for throwing that toy? Do I offer the potty again or wait for him to tell me he has to go? Should I clean the kitchen or do that puzzle he's asking me to help with? These are just some of the small, daily decisions.

But motherhood presents us with bigger choices than that. How long do I let him cry? Will he sleep with me or alone in his crib? Will I wear him for his naps? How does he spend his awake time? We all answer those questions differently according to our own personalities, our life experiences and the personalities of our kids.

I make my decisions from my heart, as I'm sure most of you do too. I truly try to think of what is best for my boys and for our family.

My boys sleep with me, for as long as it is beneficial for us both (OK, mostly for them). I don't get the deepest of sleep that way. But I get more uninterrupted sleep (I don't ever get out of bed) and the cuddles make it all worth while. They are only babies for a short time and I want to drink it all in.

I wear my babies, both of them, whenever I can. I want them to know they belong to me and are deeply connected to me. I don't have much personal space this way. I have some little person physically attached to me at almost every point of the day, and it gets a little weary. But I do it for a reason, 2 reasons really.

I let Lucas make his own decisions about most things. I give him choices and respect his decision, to a point. I try to honor his attempts to be independent and encourage the good decisions. This means things don't always happen the way I want them to. I do put my foot down for the important things. But, I like watching him become his own person.

I usually give Lucas what he wants. If he wants to eat lunch in the living room and watch his favorite movie, I usually do it 'cuz I like giving him what he wants. If he asks me to sit by his bed and rub his legs, I do it. He may be manipulating me, but if there is any shred of genuine desire to have his mama near I have to be there. This makes me somewhat of a pushover and makes discipline hard sometimes.

I am horrible at discipline and don't do it well. I try and sometimes do OK. But often I either lose my cool or let him walk all over me. Neither one is optimal, but I am working on it.

I pick up Caden when he cries. I rarely let him cry, unless it can't be avoided. I would much rather put him on my back and continue what I am doing than leave him to cry and try to filter it out. There are times when I need him to be content on his own, and he isn't accustomed to doing that, so it is hard for me because I do hold him so much.

I take things personally because I let myself be SO connected to my boys. I want them to be happy and to deeply know they are my world. Them being so connected to me makes them want to only be with me. Or at least prefer to be with me. And this means it is sometimes hard for me to leave them with anyone else, especially Caden. And this is mentally and physically exhausting.

I like to get down on the floor and play, really play, with each boy. It is intense and draining and would be easier to put on a movie (which I do sometimes) or tune them out. But that is not how I want to nurture their minds and hearts and little souls.

I have friends who don't wear their babies, whose kids sleep in their crib from night one, who let them cry until they learn to sleep through the night or nap on a schedule. Those are their choices and they have their own benefits and disadvantages, just as mine do. They aren't better or worse moms than I am. We just make different choices. I find myself feeling insecure about my decisions when I hear someone talk about something different. Should I not co-sleep with my kids? Should I let Caden cry? But that is not me. The choices I have made so far, that is me. And I know that my choices have consequences for me. I am tired, sore, at times overwhelmed and in need of some personal space. Perhaps more so than a mother that puts up more defined boundaries. But even in light of that, I wouldn't have it any other way. I have made these decisions because I put the needs of my boys above my own, for better or for worse. Some of the decisions I make contribute to me reaching my limit. I play it cool until I reach my limit and then I break. And when I break, I am not proud of my behavior. I am realizing lately that I do need to put some self-care closer to the top of my priority list. But over all, I am counting these years as a time when my own needs are secondary to the needs of my boys.

I have the rest of my life to sleep all night with the covers pulled up to my chin. For now, this is what I choose. It is hard, very hard, but it is what is right for me and my boys and that is what really matters.

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Emotions of Transition

Lucas "reading" to Caden this week. "He loves this book, Mommy!" Can't you tell? :)

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This has been a challenging week to say the least. Both boys got colds and although neither progressed beyond snot and coughs, there was (and still is) a significant lack of sleep around here. Lucas has always had sleep issues. He fights it even though anyone can see he is on the verge of exhaustion. If you can ever get him to lay still, he falls asleep within seconds. He has gotten much better at bedtime, but naps continue to be a battle. They have been particularly bad this week due to sickness and just the overall complexities of learning to manage two kids.

We usually start nap time routine sometime between 1 and 1:30. After a few stories and the inevitable "one more," I kiss him and tell him I love him and that he needs to take a nap now. I usually throw in some enticing reason to nap, like something fun we can do after he wakes up. I leave the room and normally he goes to sleep within 15min. or so. But not this week. This week he cries and says things that cut to a mama's soul. He has said things like this to me before, since Caden has been born and almost always at nap time. But this week it has been every day and WAY more intense. He begs to be put in the sling. He hasn't asked for that in months until this week. He always asks me to hold him, but the sling is something new this week and it is my own doing. I wore him on my back several times when he was so sick and put him in the sling to help him fall asleep a couple times earlier in the week. Now, he wants it every time which just isn't practical. If Caden is crying, I cannot manage holding and soothing him with Lucas in the sling. But it isn't just Lucas wanting the comfort of being cozy with mama in the sling. He feels unloved, uncared for. That is why he is asking for sling-time. He says to me "I just need someone to come over... someone who loves me" or "I need someone to hold me." He cries for Daddy. "I want him to be here with our family," he said today. Does Lucas really think that I don't love him? Is there a part of his little heart that is feeling neglected and uncared for and that is coming out in these moments of tired emotion?

Today I physically held him against his will after he had cried hysterically for over an hour and asked about 20times to be put in the sling. I had tried EVERYTHING else- massage, singing, reading, patting, etc... The past two days I did let him fall asleep in the sling and, although it was precious time for me too, I just don't feel like that is a good precedent to set. So today, I sat in the rocking chair with a kicking and screaming toddler in my lap and a FINALLY sleeping infant on a blanket next to me. I was failing to compassionately mother either of them. This is just too emotionally hard. Now granted, we are ALL tired this week so it makes it even worse. But the issue still remains. How can I be the mother that both of them need when I am unable to be the mother that either need?

I held Lucas for a good 10 minutes and he eventually fell asleep once he lost the will (or energy) to fight. I then laid him in his bed, totally defeated, and picked up Caden (who woke up just as Lucas fell asleep) and nursed him back to sleep. Then I just sat on my bed, Caden on my chest, and had a good cry myself. I whispered words of apology to both boys... sorry that I let Caden cry and sorry that I wasn't able to focus on either one. Sorry that I let my frustration take over and bring words and actions that I regret. Sorry that despite my flawed attempts, both boys probably felt abandoned and like my second priority. I eventually closed my eyes, realizing that a nap would make all the difference in my mental health. Lucas woke up crying and coughing about 10minutes later. After all that, he slept for less than an hour. Swell. For those of you reading this saying he is obviously giving up his nap, you don't know my toddler. He is tired. Very tired. He woke up today at 5am and has always been an early riser. He needs this nap still, whether he thinks he does or not. And for those of you reading this judging my mothering decisions, I am doing the best I can to parent and love and nurture my boys in the best ways I know. I want there to be no question in my sons' hearts that I love them above all else. Lucas is my world. I adore him. I think he is possibly the world's greatest and smartest and cutest and most amazing child. And Caden has stolen my heart too. And that is why the depth of this sense of failure is so intense. The emotional aspect of parenting two kids is really starting to catch up with me. I anticipated that I would grieve being able to give Lucas my full attention. I knew it would be tough to balance the needs of two kids. But I never expected my 2 year old to say things in moments of intense emotion that make me feel like I have completely failed him.

It actually makes me feel like I am failing both. Giving one what they need means neglecting the other. Caden has very physical needs. I need to be engaging him, stimulating him, nurturing him so that he and I continue to bond the way a mother and child should and he hits all the right milestones. I can't just let him cry by himself. I won't do that. (Even though there are WAY more times with Caden the I do let him cry for a few minutes if I am in the middle of something. ) Lucas' needs are much more emotional. He does have physical needs but I am not having any trouble meeting those. I make him meals, I change his clothes and diaper, etc... But when he says things like he has said this week, it truly crushes me. It takes me down to zero. I have failed. If any part of him feels that I don't love him, I have failed as a mother in general and for sure as a pseudo-attachment parenting mama. If his little heart feels that my leaving him in his room to fall asleep for nap means that he "needs" someone to come over... "someone to love him," well that just breaks my heart into a million pieces. I don't know how to fix that.

It is hard to imagine that Caden will get bigger and a bit more self-sufficient and able to fall asleep better on his own. And that parenting two kids won't always be this way. But he will and it won't. I do still feel like we are adjusting fairly well. Lucas is very affectionate with Caden. He understands that mommy can't always play with him (although he says "mommy, please play with me" about 15times/day- he has always been a mama's boy) and that sometimes I have to take care of an immediate Caden-need before I can take care of something that he needs/wants. It is mostly this one area of the transition that I have not managed well.
I need a new solution, a new approach to nap time. I need to deal with my own emotions of so deeply loving two boys before I can ever expect Lucas to know how to manage his. I need to know how to distinguish between true emotion and toddler-manipulation. Both are probably in play here. I need to learn how to not hold a grudge with my 2 yr. old and be able to lovingly embrace him and show him compassion even after I have been so beaten down. I need to remind myself that we are only a month into this new journey and I need to give us all a little more time. But mostly, I need to find a way to patch whatever feels so broken in his little heart so that mine stops breaking.

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My AP Babies

Before I had kids, I really didn't know much about attachment parenting. I learned some things from friends but mostly I just did what seemed natural to me and found out later that I was practicing many of the principles of attachment parenting.

Anyway....more on the merits of AP another time.

Two funny stories:

Lucas has this fascination with his Little People Nativity set. He never let me put it away after Christmas. Mary and Joseph and Baby Jesus have frequently been seen driving cranes and tractors and playing with dinos in my living room. Yesterday as Lucas was playing and I was making frozen waffles, I heard my very verbal child say... "Mary, Baby Jesus is crying. Mary, you need to get off the tractor and be with Baby Jesus. He needs some nursies. Mary, give Baby Jesus some nursies and put him in the sling. Then he will stop crying." That's my little AP boy!

I have heard it said around AP circles that if a newborn is anywhere near a breast, they are able to manuever themselves in that direction and latch themselves on. I was always a bit skeptical but recently found out first hand that it is true. I woke up the other night because I felt something tickling me under my arm. Caden sleeps right next to me in bed and when I looked over I saw he had gotten his head under my tank top and was trying to latch himself on. Even as I type this, he is asleep in the sling. Oh, my little AP baby!!

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You can check out the Attachment Parenting Blog or website for more info if you are curious. :)

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