A New Beginning

My Family

(L to R- hubby, me, my mom, my beautiful sister Ashley, Caden, my dad, Lucas)

Bloggy-land is running over this week with posts full of resolutions and goals and the best of intentions. I am no different than my fellow moms in that I have several (ok, LOTS) of areas in my life that need improvement and are in desperate need of a resolution or two. But, you aren't gonna see a list here. Sure, I have one. Not written down anywhere, mostly in my head. And I am not gonna list it here, at least not yet. It is a work in process. I am pondering the list in my mind, in my heart, and praying that God will show me how to move forward from here.
In years past, I have started the new year with any number of things I want to change in my life in the coming months. Lose weight, get in shape, read more, pray more, yell less, spend less, ... I keep up with these things off and on, but like most people, my resolve fizzles fairly quickly. Because of my usual trend, I am approaching things a little differently this year. Instead of adding more things that I have to remember to do, to be, to accomplish.... I am subtracting. I am simplifying. Cutting out the things that clutter my mind, my day, the top of my desk. I am reading some really clarifying books that are helping me gain much-needed perspective. I am thinking of ways to keep life organized and simple and stress-free. Beyond that though, I am taking a strong look at the ways we spend our days and "free time." Am I filling my days with things that matter and am I filling them too much? I am learning that my own whole-ness and that of my boys (young, old and canine) really depends on how well I am able to filter out the unnecessary clutter in all areas of life.
So, expect some up-coming posts on how I am reducing my lists and not adding to them. About how I am cutting things out and not adding more things in. Whatever your resolutions or goals are for the coming year, I pray that God would show you how to proceed, give you the perseverance to stick to it, and the grace to not get down on yourself if you can't. I have always been one to have very high expectations of myself. So this time I am trying to just see things for what they are and pray that God would help me make the small adjustments that will make a big difference.

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Merry Christmas, y'all!

Our family Christmas card

Setting out cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer

Silly Lucas

Santa baby

Merry Christmas, y'all!

Many blessings to you and your family this season and in the year to come.

Much Love,

Farrah

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Posts Worth Sharing

I got back late last night from L.A. and am trying to catch up with life and Advent and getting ready for Christmas. So until I have more time to sit and share my own thoughts, enjoy some well-spoken thoughts of others that I think are worth your time.

Making Babywearing Work for You- an honest, balanced assessment
Saving Holiday Memories- a really cool idea that I think I may try to start this year
This Father is Not a Mother- a dad's take on attachment parenting
I know there are more...but my baby is starting to cry and is in need of the boob....

P.S.~I am reading a book that has the potential to really impact how I live my life and the decisions I make about a while lot of things..... have I peaked your interest? More to come soon. I have to read more first...

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A Strange Lonliness

I grew up a little today... quite unexpectedly. My grandmother, my dad's mother and my last living grandparent, died last night.

Both my grandfathers died before I was born. My dad's mom did remarry and I knew and loved him as my Grandpa my whole life until he died when I was in college. My mom's mom also died when I was in college. Growing up a military kid, we lived all over so I saw my grandparents once or maybe twice a year, if that. So I would not say that I have ever been super close to my grandma ("Grams"). But we occasonally talked on the phone and traveled to California to visit. I tried to be faithful to send pics of the boys. And I loved her.

And now that she has gone to heaven to be with Jesus, I feel strange. Yes, sad but also grateful because she had Alzheimer's and is now herself again. Also admittedly a little jealous because she is now in the presence of Jesus and probably holding my little Micah's hand. I do hope they found each other. No matter what your theology of heaven tells you, I know that my grandma and my first born are worshiping Jesus together tonight.

.

My Grams with Lucas in June '06

But this strangeness I feel surprises me a bit, catches me a little off guard. As I process this news and sort through the emotions of it, I feel inexplicably lonely and isolated. As I said, I didn't see her that often. But now I have no living grandparents and that feels strange. I am no longer anyone's granddaughter. I am daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, mother, niece, cousin.... but not granddaughter. I just grew up a bit.

My parents both told me that everyone would understand if I didn't make it to California for the funeral. It is a week until Christmas and I have a 4month old. But I feel the need to go. Not really to see my family, though that will be nice. Not to make an appearance. I am going to validate a relationship that is significant to me, to my boys. I am going as my way of saying that I loved her deeply and treasured her role, even if somewhat limited, in my life. I am going because she was my grandmother, a woman who I am forever connected to and thus my boys are too.

She was a strong woman who survived two husbands, a son, a grandson, a great grandson, and her beloved dog. She loved to play video poker and slots in Vegas and smoked like a fiend. But she was tender and genuine and very much a part of me. She loved the color purple, ice cream, and anything with dogs. It has only been in the last few years that she stopped sending me sweatshirts with puppies on them for birthdays and Christmas. She always sent cards for mine and hubby's and Lucas' birthdays even in the throws of Alzheimer's. It was like the last piece of her that always remained in the now. I made her a quilt a few years ago with squares for each person in our family and she displayed it proudly on her wall. Right next to the picture I cross-stitched for my grandpa when I was barely 9 or 10 and all the family pictures she had collected over the years. I always found it funny to see pictures of Lucas displayed right next to a picture of me from 2nd grade.

I moved up on the generation ladder today. There is only one above me now. And that feels strangely lonely. I wonder how my dad feels, being at the top of that generation ladder now...

I grew up a bit today. She is my history, a piece of my heritage. And I will miss her. I already do.

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Merry Christmas to Me!!

Even though Advent/Christmas is my favorite time of year and I am a HUGE gift-giver (as in I really like to, not I give ginormous gifts), I commited a Christmas-gift cardinal sin this week. I blame my mom, really, and I don't even think she'll argue with me. I bought my own Christmas gift from my parents... and then started to use it. **gasp** Now that I think about it, Hubby did the same thing a couple weeks ago with his iPhone so maybe it isn't so much of a Christmas no-no as I thought. My family does this sort of thing all the time. I know what I want better than anyone so why not let me buy my own gift? Well, it takes some of the spirit/fun out of it, which is a bummer. But I had been lusting after this particular gift for awhile and I couldn't wait any longer.

Without further ado... my very excellent Christmas present.. a Beco Butterfly! Hooray!! So far, it is fabulous. Although I have other carriers that I can use for back carries (ring sling, mei tai, wrap, ergo), I wanted this particular carrier due some features that make it unique and really great for back carries with smaller babies. It has an infant insert that clips around baby to make the leg opening smaller and keep their little bodies from shifting in the big carrier. Also, it has an awesome feature (shown at right) that allows you to secure baby in the carrier before you put the carrier on. In this picture, Caden is already clipped in and all I had to do was pick up my Beco by the shoulder straps, put it on like a backpack then buckle the waist belt and adjust everything so it felt comfortable. Voila! Little baby securely in a soft structured carrier with NO help! Hooray!
Caden seems to really like it. As you can see, he looks pretty comfortable. :) He slept on my back like that for over 2hours the other day! No exaggeration! And my back was fine- no soreness or pain at all. I could feel it the first time I put it on. My back muscles were a bit sore but I think it is because I mostly use my ring sling and the Beco uses different muscles that weren't accustumed to the weight. Also, in this picture, he looks a little low. I had him up a little higher today and that seemed to help. It is good to rotate which muscles get the babywearing work-out anyway. :)

I love having Caden on my back. It is so freeing!! I can pick up Lucas (who has been sick and in need of mommy-comfort), I can wash dishes, cook, whatever.... And although you can use the ring sling for back carries and I plan to, I haven't done it yet with Caden because I am nervous to scoot him around my hip to my back at this age. When he gets a little older I will be more comfortable doing that. But that is why I LOVE the Beco... I can strap him in and then put him on my back so I know he is secure.

A couple more pictures because it is my pretty, new toy and Caden is just so darn cute!!!

I purchased my Beco from this great website Tender Cargo (www.tendercargo.com). They have a great selection of carriers and other cool baby things. You should check them out. Their stuff is great and the service was great too.

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4 months

Lucas (above) and Caden (below), both at 4months old... Do they look alike to you? I see these pictures and see such different little guys but yet they look more alike than I realized. What do you think? I'd love to know!

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He Came to Complete my Brokenness

I have always been one easily moved by moments/songs/memories where I can sense something bigger than what is on the surface. I am a deeply emotional person, as are most women I guess. I cry during the National Anthem because of all it represents to me, all the people I know as a military kid who have sacrificed so much. I seem to cry a lot during worship when the reality of the words on my lips overpowers my soul. I tear up a lot this time of year because the beauty of the season (the lights, the carols, the traditions, ...) really touches me. I think about Mary and her journey to motherhood. I think about the deep, deep significance of Christ humbly coming to earth as a baby to save all people. But mostly, I get very emotional when I find myself in the midst of a moment with my loved ones, my boys... a moment where time seems to stand still and I am struck with the "big-ness" of life.

I had one such moment tonight... watching Polar Express of all things. I watched as my awe-struck, train-lovin' little boy sat and watched this movie with his eyes as wide as saucers. Every few minutes, he would turn to me and announce with exuberance the amazing thing he had just seen. "That boy is walking on top on the train, mommy!!" I smiled in response as my littlest boy sat cooing in my lap. Lucas eventually made his way down to the floor where I was sitting with Caden and climbed into my lap. I had both my boys, contentedly sitting with their mama, all snuggled up against my chest. The beauty of that moment was not lost on me. And quite predictably, I started to cry. I held them close and tried to drink it all in. My boys, two of them anyway. Lucas was once this small and how fast the time will go with Caden too. The days are not too far off when they won't want to sit with mama anymore. But my tears were not for how quickly my boys are growing up. The emotion of the moment was simply having them at all. Having lost my first, having moments to hold and kiss these two will NEVER be lost on me.

I was asked by a friend today if having Caden now makes my family feel complete. I answered with an emphatic yes, because he really does in so many ways. But not completely complete. Holding my two boys tonight and watching the wonder on Lucas' face, I felt warm and full. Yet empty. I squeezed them both to savor the moment, these seconds where I feel so grateful for being their mother. I am overwhelmed by the enormity of this calling at times, but can't imagine anything I would rather be called to. But it is also in these moments of maternal clarity that I feel the deepest joy and grief all at once.

This same friend blogged today about missing her baby she hasn't met yet. It is about such a deep longing, a physical need to be connected to that baby and touch him and see his face. I know that pain. I am feeling it right now. I can hold and touch and kiss two of my babes but the one I cannot will always leave a big hole. Even as I sit here and type and weep, I try to remember what is was like to hold him and touch him and kiss his soft skin. And it is hard to remember. So I lean down and kiss Caden instead because it helps soothe my maternal aching. My longing does not lessen my love or appreciation for the special moments with Lucas and Caden. If anything, it deepens it. I want ALL my boys. I long for it. Longing doesn't even scratch the surface. And I know it will never be so here on earth and that is why I will never be completely complete.

In this season where we celebrate God sending His Son to earth, I am moved by so many things. Precious moments with my boys, the simple beauty of a brightly lit tree glimmering through the snow, the words and peaceful music of the carols, ... But mostly, I get emotional when I am reminded of the truth that Christ came to earth not just to save me, but to make me whole. To heal the places where I am wounded and raw and longing. To complete my brokenness. And when I look at my boys and hold them close, I know the He came to heal their brokenness too. My little Micah is is heaven, also now whole. And although I long for the day when I can hold him and kiss him and tell him how very much his mommy has missed him, I am oh-so grateful for moments like tonight when God reaches down and opens my eyes to the amazing gifts I have right here in my lap. I am the mother of three boys, and I can kiss two of them. So I will. Every chance I get.

P.S.~I just read this over before clicking "publish" and it seems a bit jumpy. I don't know what to do about that so I apologize to those who actually read this far down. It is the result of trying to transform my raw emotion into cohesive thoughts and it is harder than it seems. But it is helpful for me to have an outlet for this raw emotion and to process it all. So thanks for bearing with me, if you were able to follow me. Consider it ramblings from a grateful yet grieving mama who is caught up in a moment of deep love and longing for all three of my sons. Longing for complete completeness that only God can bring. May God grant you, and me, His perfect peace.

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