Bump after Bump
>> Thursday, February 26, 2009
Today has truly been one of the suckiest days I have had in awhile. Although I am beginning to believe that something about me or my choices or the way I live my life makes me more prone to days like today. Could that be true? Am I imagining it? Does trouble find me more than it finds others? It sure seems that way.
Before I sum up the suck-fest that was today, let me first say that yesterday was better. It was Wednesday, thus a BibleStudy day. I made it to BibleStudy (on time, with all 3 of us clean and dressed) but the house looked like a tornado went through and the BibleStudy homework was only half done. But I decided that it was worth it to try to go anyway, and I did (I am patting myself on the back as I speak). And I am glad I did. I had a good time and Lucas came home spouting knowledge about Elijah and Elisha and how they were prophets of God and..... I felt like I had done the right thing and that felt good. And the funny thing is, the kitchen got cleaned eventually and I tidied during nap time and we even made it to an Ash Wednesday service. Progress, right?
Maybe not. That just brings us to today. Here is how it went: 5am wake up call from Lucas, speeding ticket on the way to the pediatrician, Caden gets shots, Hubby gets home and we have a huge fight about finances, Lucas won't nap, pediatrician calls- the nurse made a mistake and gave Caden the WRONG SHOTS (not a huge deal- mostly just have to watch and make sure he doesn't get measles or mumps or rubella in the next few weeks due to over exposure to the pathogens- just not what I needed today), did I mention Lucas won't nap, rush to a preschool open house in a torrential downpour,...
AHHHH... I can't take anymore. It has been "one of those days." But I feel like I have them WAY too often.
Something is not right. Life shouldn't be this complicated. Or should it? Is this just what life is- a series of challenging days, one after another with some good ones thrown in to keep us going? OR is this just my life? My life with young kids and juggling 50 million other things. My life with precious little sleep and a hubby who has an insane work schedule and little time to be with the fam. My life with high expectations that I set for myself but very rarely reach.
The last five years have not really gone the way I would ever have anticipated. Six years ago I was working full time as a nurse manager, the youngest one that hospital had ever had. I had a great career, I was good at my job and I loved it. I loved my husband, my job, my church, my life. It was at the point when we decided to go off birth control and try to start our family that life began to take a very different path. Feb '03-Feb '09: I had surgery to remove some very large ovarian tumors, I got pregnant with Micah, Micah went to be with Jesus, we bought a new house and I had to change jobs 'cuz the commute got too brutal, started looking into adoption due to our potential genetic issues, we got a dog 'cuz I needed something to nurture, we got pregnant with Lucas, transitioned to parenthood, thought we were done having kids, got pregnant with Caden, .... blah, blah, blah! Now here I am- working part-time and trying to run a very small business and trying desperately to be a good mom and wife and friend and household manager and housechurch member- and not feeling like I do ANY of it well.
Is it possible that losing Micah sent me into a tail-spin from which I have yet to recover? It feels to me that I have lost my ability to handle sucky days with any amount of grace. I get in this "poor me" mindset. "Why me?" Or more accurately "Of course this would happen to me!"
(Wow. I am depressing myself. I have probably lost all of you. Where am I going with this? )
You will probably tell me I am normal, that this happens to everyone. I'm not sure I believe you. It seems to happen more often to me, but that may be the tail-spin talking. It feels like too much, not normal, in need of SOMETHING to change. But what? Is there something about me, the life choices I have made, that makes me more susceptible to life's bumps?
If I am honest with myself, I would love nothing more than to stay home all the time and have enriching, nurturing moments with my family with the occasional time away for myself and the occasional outing with friends. I would love to not worry about our finances (which I do) or worry if I am doing what I should. I would love to make enough selling slings and working one day a week to help provide for my family so we can feel free. I would love to feel like I live life well, that I spend enough time with my boys and with Hubby and with God and by myself. I would love for days like today to not take me down to zero but that I would be able to take them in stride and say "there's always tomorrow." I would love to be able to live in the moment, cherishing the richness and adventure of life with my boys. I want to sit and enjoy a story or a puzzle with Lucas and watch Caden learn to crawl and cuddle with Hubby on the couch. I want life to feel mostly smooth with the occasional bump. I want things to feel, to BE, manageable.
I think I do have days like that. I think. Today was not one of them, but there are days when I feel like I have done life well. And then there are days that feel like bump after bump. Maybe the smooth life comes with time.
Lord, please help me live in the moment, whether bumpy or smooth, and deal gracefully with my days either way.
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6 comments:
Thank you for sharing Farrah-I dont know if this helps or not, but when I look at you, I always think-there's a girl who has it all together. She totally takes care of her kids needs-they come first. I can't do that. I'm such a selfish mom, but Farrah, she does do that. Her relationship with God seems to be so close and intimate and personal-why can't I have a relationship like that? She seems to find meaning and value in such simple things in life, I am always in such a hurry and so distracted that I can't even stop and see things like Farrah.
My point is that I think we all feel inadequate and all think that other people have it all right. I appreciate so much these real mom blogs because they tear down barriers and help us to see that we are all human, no one has is perfect, no one is doing it exactly right, we all have struggles we face-underneathe it all we are all the same.
I feel what you wrote so often-that everyone else has it together but me. Know you aren't alone at all.
Farrah, I think you have just described motherhood. At least, my life as a mother looks a lot like this, with the very occasional good day thrown in to keep me going. And I don't even work! Part of it is having people who depend on you, part of it is getting older and life getting harder, with more sadness, part of it is just the stage of life with small ones around. So take heart, people do tell me it gets easier...or we just get used to life not being smooth. Either way, you are most definitely not alone!
Oh Farrah! I am sorry you had a rotten day. I totally look at you as a woman who has it all together. Half the time I do not feel 'grown up' at all.. just like I am pretending. But yes. as I listen to Billy whine in the backround and Zoe pulling my hair. I understand the theory of bumps
Love you, Farrah-Bearah!
Lisa Marie
Farrah, let me just say...I actually enjoy reading about others' bumps. Not because I am glad anyone else has bumps, of course, but because it reminds me that life is hard, and motherhood is hard, and marriage is hard and that in spite of how blessed we are, life really can SUCK at times. That's just a fact, sometimes life sucks, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with stopping to acknowledge that. Nothing wrong with admitting, hey I am having a lousy day, and sharing that with your readers. One of the biggest reasons I love your blog is because you are so real, you write so honestly from your heart. I think there is a tendancy among moms, especially Christian moms it seems, to hide the negative stuff for a whole variety of reasons. But the truth is that even when we love the Lord, life can still suck sometimes. And that's okay, that's life. As long as we can readjust our focus (which you obviously did in the next post, which is beautiful!!)then we're just fine.
Farrah,
This post just makes me want to cry - because I feel so much of the same stuff - and I'm glad you shared it. I'm always somewhat ashamed (especially in the presence of my christian mom friends!) that the time I have the most to be thankful for is the time things are just too hard for me to handle and all I can do is complain/cry/explode with frustration. Again, I'm really glad you write honestly, because it really helps me come to terms with my own imperfect journey.
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