Raising my Tender Bully (aka: My need for God's Grace)

Today has been one of those days where I feel like I have no idea what I am doing in regards to motherhood. Lucas woke up at 5 and was up for good. Which meant all of us were up. I have been fighting a sinus infection and ear infection and one of the most horrible headaches of my life. Caden took a decent morning nap which gave Lucas and I some good time to play together. But, by 10:30 I was out of steam and the day was just getting going.

I'm sure it goes with the territory of having 2boys, or maybe just 2kids, but Lucas is just so rough with Caden. I seriously hear myself a hundred times a day telling Lucas "Be Gentle!" or "Don't throw things!" or "Do NOT kick your brother" or "Why did you just knock him over?" Sometimes it is overzealous affection. He loves to lay on top of him or hug him a little too vigorously. Other times, it is because Caden was simply looking at his cars or "in the way."
On days like today, I just can't deal. I get SO TIRED of correcting him. I do try to let them "be boys" and be a little rough and tumble. I can't police every moment and I know that is part of being brothers and being boys. I want them to be close and have fun together and I know that sometimes Lucas is really just trying to engage with Caden and he just doesn't know his own strength. But, that is not really the problem.
The real problem is me.

I have derailed this mommy-train somewhere along the line. I know that when I get frustrated with Lucas and even with Caden, I am not good at controlling my emotional outbursts. Caden is SO clingy. He wants to be physically touching me, climbing on me, held by me ALL the time. And sometimes even this babywearing, co-sleeping mama just reaches my limit. Lucas is SO whiny. He doesn't want to stop playing long enough to get dressed or go potty or come to a meal. So when I ask him, he whines and cries as if I am pulling out his toenails or something. And on days when I am overtired and not feeling 100%, my tolerance for these things is almost nill.
I see Lucas playing with his trains and he is so rough. Crashing and smashing them together with his voice raised and using words like "dominate" and other aggressive language. Part of that is being a little boy. I get that. But that can't be the whole story. He is rough with his toys, rough with his brother, with the dog, with his friends. He is just a rough little boy at times. And I don't know how we got here.

During this self-indulgent pitty-party, I start feeling frustrated that I am not able to keep it together. Lucas' whining and rough behavior just sends me to the edge of insanity. However, it is becoming more and more clear that much of this current issue is due to my own "roughness" and not so much his. I know that my lack of self-control when my children frustrate me or are naughty has rubbed off on my 3yr. old and I don't know how to un-do that.

The irony of this is, this bully is not my Lucas. He is a sweet, very tender kid who loves to be cuddled and read to. He chooses me over everyone. He talks about missing me when I am away, and missing his brother Micah whom he has never met. Last weekend Hubby told him that one of the gorillas at the zoo went to Heaven. Lucas got really sad and said through tears that he just wanted to go see that gorilla one more time. He had no idea what gorilla we were talking about he just knows the concept of missing someone/something and he gets very emotional about it. His heart is as big as they come and we have some of the tenderest moments together that a mother could ever hope for.
Days like today feel so out of control, like I am doing all I can to keep my head afloat. I am simply responding to life and not in any way able to direct it. I am putting out little fires instead of being able to focus on fire prevention. You know what I mean? I just sometimes feel like I have failed him.
I tell him constantly that I love him. That he gives the best bear hugs. That I cherish having him close to me. I kiss his head and comb his hair with my fingers. We talk about everything and I love to hear his stories that come out of his imagination-driven mind. I love the moments when he is being a little boy and not so under constraint. But yet, I yell WAY too much and am not always good at keeping him stimulated. Also, he's never slept well (neither really do), is resisting potty-training and gets so rowdy when bored. He is stubborn, oh-so stubborn. But most of these things seem to directly indicate some sort of mothering-insufficiency. We are very slowly making progress with potty training and have been cooped up in this house all winter. So maybe I am over-dramatizing this in my mind. I tend to do that too. The moments when it is just he and I or when he can be outside running free seem to be without this drama.

Hubby graciously took the boys out for an hour this afternoon so I could have a quiet house to hopefully quiet my soul and my headache a bit. Our day ended with Lucas and I laying on the floor together reading books before bed, his head resting sweetly on my chest. As I prayed for him and sang his "Jesus songs," he innocently turned to say "I love you Mommy."
I just pray that the moments I tell him I love him or that I am sorry for getting frustrated with him ring more loudly in his ears than my over-emotional behavior corrections. I hope that he will see my imperfections, my rough edges, and then see our need for God. I can't smooth out my own edges, much less my son's, without God's grace. I may fail him in other ways, but I hope that I can at least be a living example to him in that way.

Any advice on how to raise my tender bully without breaking his spirit, or mine?


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