Push-Pull

I am in a stage of life where things could be leveling out a bit. Could.

The boys are just great. I mean, really great. Parenting is hard but I get lots of hugs and "I love yous" and that covers a multitude of frustrations. I love being with them but also watching them from afar. I have moments of sheer bliss and then others when I feel like I am totally failing them as their mother. My head is filled with thoughts of "how should I ..." and "what is the best way to ..." I want to raise them right and love them well and have them be joyful, respectful, balanced men who grow up to love others well and serve God. How do I get there?.... still figuring that one out.

This Lupus thing is a strange beast. Just when I thought I knew what was going in, yet another curve ball seems to be thrown my way. New symptoms, recurrence of some old ones. Hearing the words 'chronic-illness' come off my tongue of anyone's around me makes me want to vomit. I am so-very-far from having this whole thing figured out and that is frustrating. But I am keeping perspective (most of the time) and trying to make good decisions.

You see... it all boils down to this: There are a few things in my life that are really important to me. My boys top that list... my faith, my husband, my friends and family. Add to that list being respected by others, doing something meaningful with my life, trying to live the best life possible. I want to be a good friend, a great wife and mom. A good daughter and sister and daughter-in-law and sister-in-law. I want to be a success, to be fit, a good cook.

So here I am, in a place where life could be leveling out, and yet I am here still very much trying to figure out what that may look like. I want to sign the boys up for enriching things but yet I want to be at home with them just playing cars and reading books. I want to take them to the zoo and every children's museum within a 2hour radius but my body won't always cooperate. I want to fill our days and yet I am a better mom when I am not rushed or pressed. I want to have coffee and dinners out with friends, to go to women's bible studies, romantic dates with the Hubby. But more often than not, all I really want to do is lay on the couch and rest. Push-Pull.

I am an introvert who loves (and tries to nurture) community. I am a purposely busy mom who cherishes the slow days/nights. I am a couch-potato, diet-pepsi drinker at heart who desperately wants to be fit and healthy. I have Lupus but that doesn't define (all of) me.

I am a woman, child of God, busy mom. Trying to figure out how to be what I can for everyone who needs or desires a piece of myself. Filtering out things that clutter our life and prioritizing things that enrich it and not letting unhealthy thoughts or influences make those decisions for me. Deciding when to go out and when to stay in and not feel guilty for either one. Asking God to show me what His definition of meaningful is for my life. For my family.

Push-Pull.



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