Take a Deep Breath

Right now, I find myself in limbo. I am worried about something that some of you may find trivial, but right now it is causing me so much anxiety. I am not sure where Lucas will go to kindergarten next year and it is eating a hole in my stomach just thinking about it. I obsessed about where to send him to preschool too. And lucky for us all, the final choice for that has been absolutely perfect for him. And I have no reason to believe this will be any different but that doesn't keep me from losing sleep over it.

The real stressor is that I have found what I think is the perfect school for him (after researching and calling and checking and stressing for MONTHS). EXCEPT... it is more than we can afford (unless we get a scholarship) and I am not even sure if he will get in. My indecision and anxiety caused us to not be super-aggressive and now there are already 20applicants for 15spots. So just when I start to feel comfortable about our decision on where to send him, the whole thing gets thrown back up into the air and I think I might just vomit.

There have been more than a handful of times in my life when I can recall this extended pit-feeling in my stomach. You know, that feeling of underlying stress and anxiety that looms over your head because something truly important is unresolved and yet there is nothing you can do in this moment or even in this day to make any difference. You just have to wait. Wait to see where the cards fall. To see what direction God takes you next.

In January of 2004, a friend sent me a lovely card with a scripture on it that she had been praying for me. I taped the card to my fridge so that I could see it and pray it daily to help. At that time, the pit-feeling in my stomach was about Micah and not knowing at all what the outcome would be. And although I know deciding on kindergarten has way less emotional and life-path implications for me than that time, I feel really strongly that this decision has some pretty significant implications for Lucas.

But you know the really funny thing about God... He has a way of bringing peace to my heart when I need it the most. I was sitting in a kindergarten class at this school I love, having just heard that they already have too many kids applying, and worrying about it all while I sat and watched the kids recite some poems they had been learning. And as I sat trying not to cry or explode or throw-up, the next thing the kids recited was this scripture. THE scripture that I always pray when I am trying to keep my mind and heart from worrying about things I cannot control. The one my friend sent me seven years ago. It was as if God Himself was reaching down in that moment to calm my heart and speak peace to my anxious soul.

I still don't know if Lucas will go to this school or not and I still stress about it. I really, really hope he does and I will try to do all I can to make that happen. But in the meantime, I know God is telling me to take a deep breath and trust that He who has planted my roots deep into the stream of His goodness will not cease to bring forth fruit, even when the heat or drought comes.

Jeremiah 17:7-8

⁷ “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
⁸ They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”

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