Bridesmaid dresses

In all this "getting ready for baby" cleaning and organizing, we have been purging closets like crazy. I had a bunch of stuff I didn't really know what to do with stored in the back of the nursery closet but it all had to be taken out to make room for two boys worth of clothes, etc.. Included in those things was my collection of bridesmaids dresses - five in all, two maternity. My collection started in June of 2000 with the most recent addition being from my sister-in-law's wedding a few months ago. I have never worn any of them again, probably never will. But the sentimental side of me has kept them in the back of the closet for years.
I pulled them all out today and thought back on all the memories that the dresses represent. My sister's wedding when I was pregnant with my first son... my friend's wedding where another friend and I stayed up all night after the wedding dying our hair... my sister-in-law's wedding where Lucas was only a few months old but still wore a tux and was the cutest thing ever... But, do I need to keep the dresses? I don't really have the closet space, truthfully. But I still have a hard time parting with them. I tend to be a keeper, thus the need for closet purging.
What have you done with your old bridesmaid dresses? Do you think the friends and family whom I originally wore the dress for would be offended if I donated them to some charity for someone else to hopefully get some use out of?
If you are reading this and one of these dresses was for your wedding (you know who you are), know that either way I was honored to stand with you on your big day. I would love your opinions, all of you.... Donate or keep?

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Could this be it?

In the early part of last December, I sat with some close friends as we celebrated a precious little girl turning one. Being people whom I trust deeply, I asked them if it was weird (I think I actually said "counter-cultural") for me to not want any more children. Pregnancy for me is complicated, and choosing to do it again seemed a little like leaping in the dark and not knowing where I would land. OK, it felt a lot like that. Well, in God's perfect yet sometimes baffling timing, I peed on a stick about a week later and it was positive. Whether I wanted to take the leap or not, here I was... jumping.

So here I am, about 9 days away from delivery. All signs point to my feet landing from this unanticipated leap on solid ground. However, I admitted to a friend today (I hadn't let myself verbalize this before) that I have this feeling I can't shake that something is not going to go as predicted. Family and friends are naturally asking about the plan. When can we see you/him? When will you come home? Etc, etc... I give the answers that I think are true but always with this check in my gut that it may not turn out that way. Maybe it is a bit of self-protection, just in case. Maybe it is my heart's inability to feel secure and confident that things will be "normal" or straightforward. What if I do have to have general anesthesia or what if Baby has issues or what if I get the spinal and something goes wrong? I am honestly expecting things to go as planned. But, then comes the gut check.... What if....?

As if there are not enough things to think about when you are 9 days from giving birth, there is something else fairly significant on my mind. Hubby and I have been discussing for awhile (since the 1st OB appt. actually) whether or not we would have my tubes tied during this c-section. At first, I thought definitely yes. I mean, I didn't expect this pregnancy at all and if I could take a step to prevent this roller coaster again, why wouldn't I do that.

Could this be it?

This decision is a bit complex, to say the least. I am 90% (maybe more) sure that I do not want to have more kids. But yet, I am not sure I can give up my ability to do so. Not that it takes away from my womanhood or makes me any less maternal. It just feels so.... final. And I am not sure I am in an emotionally stable place to make such a final decision. But yet, I do not really want to be pregnant again. I don't want to live the drama of pre-ultrasound, low platelets pregnancy after we finish this round. So why not do it? It is practical, it would certainly give Hubby and I a peace of mind we wouldn't otherwise have. But....yet....

I sit here with my hand on my belly as my third son kicks and flips inside. And I am so very anxious to meet him and discover his personality and begin living life with him on the outside. I wonder what the moment will be like when I meet him and Hubby meets him and Lucas meets him. I wonder how I will feel when I hold him and my heart redefines what it is to burst with love. With my newest son in my arms, will I be glad the leap is done and feel certain I don't want to leap again? Or will I, in that moment, wish there was at least the possibility of expanding my world, my heart once again? Or is this even the time to make such a life-altering decision?

Are these next 9 days the last my body will ever experience with life being nurtured inside? I love being pregnant, I love my boys... but I am not sure I could ride this roller coaster again. This feels like a leap of a whole different kind. I am a bit tired of jumping right now, ready to keep my feet planted for awhile. But yet I still can't help but ask....Could this be it?

.

.

P.S.~ By request, some real belly pictures coming soon...

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A forgotten thrill

I have mentioned before that I am having digital camera woes. Mine broke and we have yet to replace it. I keep forgetting to find batteries for our really old one or charge the digital camcorder that can take stills. So, the other day I resorted to buying a old-fashioned disposable camera that actually uses film (gasp!!). I know... like stepping back into the 90's or something. :) Anyway, I used it a couple times last week and then dropped it off to get developed (gasp again!!) today. I at least told the girl to give me a CD of the pics so as to not be totally culturally irrelevant. Lucas and I went a ran a couple more errands and came back an hour later to pick up our pictures. SO FUN!!! I had totally forgotten what a suspensful thrill it is to open that little cardboard folder and start to look through previously unseen pictures. And to actually have pictures in my hands to hold and flip through... SO FUN!!!

I guess there is something to be said for doing things the old-fashioned way now and then. I have been teased before for loving my paper calender where I can actually write in my appointments, etc.. and resisting the urge to get a Blackberry or Palm. I love sending actual cards to people and not always resorting to e-mail/ e-cards to wish someone a happy birthday or tell them I am thinking of them. So it isn't all that shocking that picking up actual pictures today was such a treat. I had just forgotten just how exciting it can be. Not all the pictures were worth the printing costs, that is the chance you take. But here are some of the good ones....

Daddy and Lucas on the Carousel at the Dupage County Fair yesterday

Lucas loved feeding the animals "breakfast." The food did look like cereal!
Riding the tractor at the Fair. Oh the things that excite little boys!!

With our friend Brooke at the ArboretumMy sweet little guy at the park
Lucas and Mommy at the park - you forget how hard it is to take a self-portrait with a film camera!! :)

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Joy and Discomfort - Psalm Sunday

This week I chose a psalm that is one of my favorites. It is one that I often turn to when I am in need of some encouragement, a reminder of the hope I have in Him even when I get a bit down about what ever life is throwing my way.

Life these days in very full. Full of both potential joy and potential discomfort. It is days like today that are very real reminders of that for me.
I had a rough night last night. I was beat after selling slings at the French Market yesterday and had pretty intense contractions and a horrible headache all night. It was topped off with a emotional morning for me, just feeling very tired and a bit un-attended to. I seem to have this need to be cared for, especially when I am feeling particularly needy and overwhelmed. Anyway.... Thankfully, Lucas took a good nap after church which meant I could too. We later had a very fun evening at our local county fair showing Lucas all the animals and watching his little face light up as he fed the goats and lambs (pics coming). As I put him down to bed, it was one of those times when I was really drinking in the special-ness of the moment. His little giggle as I made up a special voice for the baby bird who is looking for his mother, his insistance that we say thank you for brother Micah and baby brother (whose name is yet to be announced) during prayers, and his request for one more hug and kiss before I left the room. A day full of both overwhelming joy and discomfort...

So today, I have felt a little like David in this psalm - a bit troubled at times but really just thankful for the hope we have in the Lord and for the ways He blesses and instructs us. My hope truly is in Him, both when the joy and the discomfort come. And almost exactly two weeks from right now, I am scheduled for a heaping dose of both. To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.....


Psalm 25

1 To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
2 in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.
4 Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths;
5 guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
7 Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD.
8 Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
11 For the sake of your name, O LORD, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
13 He will spend his days in prosperity, and his descendants will inherit the land.
14 The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.
18 Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.
19 See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me!
20 Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.
22 Redeem Israel, O God, from all their troubles!



MY LIFE IS IN YOU LORD

My life is in You, Lord
My strength is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord
In You, it’s in You

I will praise You with all of my life
I will praise You with all of my strength
With all of my life
With all of my strength
All of my hope is in You

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Gimme a break

I had a nice little outing with the girls last night for fondue. Even though we talked about pregnancy and kids most of the time, it was still nice to get out of the house and have some brownie smoothered in melted chocolate. I need those little escapes now and then. I think everyone does.

And even when I can't actually get away, I take little mental vacations. My recent vacation spot of choice.. Project Runway. Yes, the obsession has returned. I am talking more about that here today.


How do you escape and let your mommy-brain take a breather?

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Trains and train wrecks...

In case any of you are wondering, black permanent marker does not come off clothing or wooden trains. But I am getting ahead of myself....

Today we had planned on driving about 90min. to a local train museum. We have been planning this trip for weeks, trying really hard to get certain things in that we have been intending to do with Lucas before Baby is born. It was overcast when we woke up but that didn't stop us, at first. As we got in the car and started our trek down there, it was pouring with no signs of letting up. With most of the museum being outdoors, we amended our plans. Total bummer. We instead played at the children's museum for an hour or so and then went and had lunch at a train restaurant we had heard good things about. We had a great time at lunch and Lucas loved that his food was delivered by the train that ran on the tracks next to our booth. Then as we browsed a farmer's market by the train tracks, a train stopped right by us. Lucas was awestruck with an actual train being 2 ft. away. Not as good as the train museum, but still a fun train-themed morning.

And then....

He fell asleep 10min. from home and then would not nap AT ALL!!! I desperately needed a nap, after being up with him for an hour during the night and then getting up to our usual early wake-up call. The longer it took him to settle down, the more frustrated I got. Hubby came to bail me out after about an hour of trying and we both evenutally conceeded to Lucas just having some quiet time so at least I could get a little rest. But as I lay in bed, trying to find a position that relieved my back pain and hearing him "being quiet" in his room, there was no way I was going to be able to nap. So I got up and I let him get up.

Hubby had an event for work and had to leave. Being very tired and wanting a minute to myself to look over some long-over-do business accounting, I was more than willing to let Lucas go downstairs and play on his train table like he asks to do several times a day. He was down there for no more than 5 minutes when I heard "Mommy, come see my mess." Never good words. I walked ran downstairs very apprehensive of what I would find. What I did find was a black permanent marker in his hands and black marker all over everything. And I do mean everything. Where did he get that marker and how did he color on everything so fast?!?! Black hands, black face, black all over the train table and all the tracks and all the trains. He thankfully spared the carpet and my stash of slings in a tote bag not 5ft. from his "mess."

At this point, I lost it. I started crying and asking my 2yr. old why he did this. He doesn't know why! He never thinks about why!! He just does things. He is 2!

He asked me to clean it and I just rambled on about how it is permanent marker and I can't clean it! He started to cry, I continued my crying and just sat there and held him as we both cried. Why did it upset me so much that he marked on his train table? It is just a train table. But I felt genuinely mad at him. Frustrated and tired but also just plain mad.

I chilled out a bit as I got a rag and my Clorox Anywhere spray and started trying to minimize the damage to the trains. Mostly I just didn't have the energy to be mad anymore. I put him in the tub to soak until his fingers were pruny and I had scrubbed all the black off his face.

After the bath, I fixed him the only dinner I could muster the energy for... ham and cheese and grapes. Gourmet, I know. I sat there, quiet and spent. Feeling much like that poor camel whose back breaks after they throw on that one last straw. I even have the sore back and the humps to help complete the analogy. There is so much intense emotion in my head these days and I have been doing my best to hold it all together and stay on track. And then my toddler won't nap and he finds a black Sharpie and off the handle I fly.

Just then, Lucas looks at me and says...

"Mommy, you like cheese?"

"Yes honey, I like cheese."

"Mommy, you want some of my cheese?"

"Sure. That is nice of you to share."

"Mommy, thank you for loving me. Mommy, I love you so much. Mommy, you love me so much?"

Here is where I start crying again.

"Yes Lucas. Mommy loves you SO MUCH!" But I haven't really been acting like it, have I.

The day ended with us watching a Thomas the Train DVD and reading a Thomas the Train book at bedtime. Both unintentional additions to our train-themed day, but appropriate I guess. Oh, and did I mention that right before bedtime the dog got loose and I had to run, carrying Lucas and my oh-so-pregnant self, down to the end of our court to retrieve him? Figures.

It has been a train-themed day for sure and I am the train wreck. Having just recounted the evening's events to hubby on the phone, they sound (and feel) a little less dramatic. But in the moment, I felt done. Just done. Although, after I had my moment of freak out, I really did my best to pull it together and not take it out on Lucas. We had a precious moment together at dinner and then I held him as I sang and rocked him to sleep. After all that talk of expectations, today felt a little like a dry run for the many tired, frustrating, why-is-this-happening-to-me days that are probably in my near future. I didn't handle it as I probably should have or would want to... but I am trying. Really trying.

Off to scrub some trains.....

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Expecting

I am a girl with expectations. I always have been. Expectations of both myself and of those around me. I expect myself to perform at certain levels. I expect to complete things that I set my mind to. I expect to not let people down and to live up to the things they assume will be true of me. Exhausting at times, but just how I am wired.

Well, here I sit. Three weeks away from my newest son being born. And I am once again full of thoughts and tasks that need addressing. I am nesting, I am reflecting and processing... I am expecting.

It is no mystery to me why people refer to pregnant women with this term. "She is expecting," or "That couple is expecting." They mean the baby, right? Most people do. But that is so far from the complete picture, at least for me.

I have talked enough in recent past about how pregnancy for me is such a different experience. One full of uncertainty and hoping and attempts at faith and trust.... But as I near the end of my third (and mostly likely last) pregnancy, I am full of expectations - of all sorts.

Expecting... to be awake for the delivery and hear my son's first cry. For hubby to be present too and carry Baby to meet me in recovery just as he was able to with Lucas. (For those who may not know, this is a platelet issue, which means it is an anesthesia issue....) To nurse right away, to sleep the first night with him on my chest so I can feel him breathe, to put him in my sling as soon as I can (does that make me a babywearing nerd?), ...

.

Expecting... to hold my healthy newborn son in my arms and learn more about this little man who has been doing acrobatics in my abdomen for the last 20+ weeks. To kiss his soft face and tell him how much I already love him and how much more I will love him throughout his and my lifetime. To watch adoringly as hubby does the same. To introduce Lucas to his younger brother as tears of both joy and grief cloud my eyes.

.

Expecting... there to be room in my heart for all my boys and to be able to love all of them well, whatever that may look like for each. For my bond with Lucas to only be made stronger as we both learn how to welcome Baby into our lives. To never let Lucas question my love or devotion to him, even as the demands on my time and attention increase. For there to come a day when I can fully love all three of my sons perfectly and completely, holding them and knowing we are all complete as we bask in the Glory of our King.

Expecting... my marriage to grow and deepen and only be made stronger by whatever storms we face. For there to be lots of storms, ones we are currently in and ones that we can't possibly foresee. But also, to walk through them all together, not questioning if the calm will come but only when. To work hard to show hubby that I can be the wife he needs, even in times when I am needy myself. To receive grace and love from him in the ways I need even when he is feeling needy too. To feel cherished and valued and have the effort I am putting forth acknowledged. And to do the same for him.

Expecting... to fail. To not live up to my own ideals of motherhood and womanhood in general. But to allow myself to freely receive God's grace and mercy and to get back up and try again.

Expecting... to feel overwhelmed at times, like I can't possibly do it. And then to realize, I can and I will and whatever that looks like will be O.K. To also have moments when I am genuinely proud of myself for something, anything. And to let those moments fuel me during times when I am discouraged.

That is a lot of expecting... but it is all true. Maybe some of these are unique to me, but I am willing to bet that not all of them are. Are they?

Thank God for His grace in both helping me meet them and picking me up when there is no way that I can.

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