Lucas Robert- March '06. My thinker with a huge vocabulary and a bigger heart. So full of life and wonder and imagination. Future engineer or architect or whatever he puts his mind to. My tender mama's boy with the rough-and-tumble outside. Whether playing cars or reading books or just sitting with mama, he lives life fully. And I think that is great!!
Caden
Caden Lauten- August '08 With the warmest eyes that light up the room, he is my little love-bug who wants to be with mama at all times! Never content to just sit, except when snuggled close in the sling where Mama's face is just a reached out hand away. My little explorer, following his brother and puppy everywhere, my baby and the light of my life!
Need a laugh? Caden got so tickled the other day when I was just saying "oh heavens!" to him. I promise it will make you smile.
Disclaimer: I have never claimed this blog to be a place of blind sappiness where I simply blab away about the cuteness of my boys or how great life is. I mean, my boys are certainly ultra-cute and I feel SO blessed to be their mother. But to drip on and on about how swell motherhood is would not be an accurate picture of my reality. So if you are looking for a blog that is happy-shiny-life is all roses and puppies, you might want to move on. That is not my blog, and not this post in particular.
I have been thinking a lot lately about love and what it means to give love to others and receive it for myself. I love my boys, I love my Hubby, I love my family. But the expression of those loves are all very different. And what do I need from people on order to feel loved and appreciated too. I don't have all that figured out, but what I do know is that at this point in my life my "love-needs" are changing and growing.
My need for Hubby's love is not the same now as 10 years ago. When we first started dating, the feelings of love were tingly and exciting. You know what I am talking about. I felt pursued, desired, ... loved. Now, three boys and 10years later, love feels and looks a lot different. I struggle at times to still feel loved. But, what is love really? Is it the spark, the sizzle? Is it Hubby going to work everyday to provide security for me and my boys? Doesn't it need to be a good mix of practical and romantic expressions of love? Again, I am still very much in the midst of trying to figure that all out while keeping proper perspective. But through this process, I feel like God is trying to teach me something bigger about love.
Ultimately, Love is sacrifice. It is putting the needs and desires of another ahead of your own. This past week of being in Florida with my family was somewhat of a sacrifice for me (although I was at the beach so there were definite perks too), but I did it out of love for my boys and for my family. Love is dropping the plans of my day to go to the aid of someone who has needs greater than mine.
I am learning too that I depend too much on Hubby and others to make me feel loved. God loves me. He is my All. Or at least He should be. His Love is always perfect, always exactly what I need at all times. And when I feel like Hubby's love or my family's love or my friends' love for me falls short, God's love will never fail. He is steadfast and faithful and unfailing.
I love the verse in Psalm 36 (vs. 9) that says "in Your light we see light."
In my current funk, I SO need His light to keep my on the right track.
Oh Lord, be my light and my source of true love. And teach me how to love others truly too.
Psalm 36
1 An oracle is within my heart concerning the sinfulness of the wicked:
There is no fear of God before his eyes.
2 For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin.
3 The words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful;
he has ceased to be wise and to do good.
4 Even on his bed he plots evil; he commits himself to a sinful course
and does not reject what is wrong.
5 Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.
6 Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the great deep.
O LORD, you preserve both man and beast.
7 How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings.
8 They feast on the abundance of your house;
you give them drink from your river of delights.
9 For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light.
10 Continue your love to those who know you, your righteousness to the upright in heart.
11 May the foot of the proud not come against me,
nor the hand of the wicked drive me away.
12 See how the evildoers lie fallen— thrown down, not able to rise!
Hungry (Kathryn Scott )
Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry
And so I wait for You
So I wait for You
I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is,living for.
Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life
So I'll wait for You
So I'll wait for You
Hungry I come to you, for I know You satisfy
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I don't normally put these things on my main blog page, but I thought you might want to know about this.
Frigidaire is having a contest where the prize is a free Affinity Washer and Dryer, their newest luxury appliance. Our washer and dryer is SO-VERY-OLD and we are SO-IN-NEED of replacements!! I bet you are too! And these look fabulous!
All you have to do is go to their site, register and fill out a quick survey asking you what 5things you would do with a free hour or time. It takes 5 minutes and you could win a free washer and dryer. Seems worth it to me.
Take a minute and fill out their survey. And if you win, maybe you could do a load of laundry for me! :)
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While we have been in Florida, Caden and I have been sleeping on a queen air mattress and Lucas has been on a twin air mattress right next to us. I have been putting them down at the same time, in the same room but on their different beds. Tonight, I came in to check on them and this is what I found. Lucas had crawled up onto the queen mattress and fell asleep holding Caden's hand. He really does love his brother, even if he knocks him over and pushes him out of the way about 20million times during the day. This bodes well for days to come - both their love for each other and the fact that they have been sleeping in the same room! :)
Oh, how I love these boys! My mommy-heart is bursting about now.
For more Wordful Wednesday, visit Angie at Seven Clown Circus
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playing with Auntie by the pool
playing in the sand with Pa
Auntie's law school graduation (or should I say Dr. Auntie- she got her JD)
more swimming
mommy and her boys on the beach in Ft LauderdaleMy sister is graduating from law school this weekend!! Hooray!! It has been a long, challenging journey for her with lots of speed bumps thrown in her way. And yet, she has persevered and we are all SO PROUD!! To celebrate, the boys and I are going to Florida tomorrow to be with her and then spend a week on the beach. What a self-less sister I am? :) Another bonus, I will be with my mom on Mother's Day this year for the first time in 10years!
Life has been so busy and complicated lately that I am SO LOOKING FORWARD to some beach therapy. Being on the beach, for me, is like letting out one big exhale. It is letting go of all the tension, the stress, the guilt, the worry. It is like breathing in peace and rest. I just SO love the beach and I am in need of it's therapy. I love my life, I really do. But that doesn't mean I don't need a break from it from time-to-time. And now is definitely one of those times.
God is teaching me so much right now- about being a good wife and a good mom and being true to myself through it all. It is hard for me not to lose myself in taking care of the needs of others. I tend to judge my self-worth by the happiness of Hubby and Lucas and Caden and my family and friends. This makes it so easy to keep adding things and adding things into my life, thinking that the next thing I do will truly be the thing that makes me happy. Makes me have value for being just me. But with God's help, I am really trying to learn to find my joy in Him and the things He blesses me with. Not in whether or not Hubby is content or Lucas has a good discipline day. Those are not the measures of my worth.
This is another reason I am in need of some beach time. I need to step away from daily life for a bit to be able to see it clearly and put things into some proper perspective. Hopefully, I will come home refreshed and refocused and ready to embrace life with joy, no matter what.
In the meantime, enjoy these pictures we had done of the boys. Theya re just so stinkin' cute, I can hardly stand it!! A friend of mine took these and she is fantastic!!
Enjoy!!
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When I first visited the tree, I did not see what I had expected to see. Although, I am not exactly sure what I did expect, I was still caught a little by surprise. It was smaller than I thought. There are no leaves. It is small and bare.
"It will grow," Hubby said. "The leaves will come."
I know that. But I was really hoping for some leaves now. I am ready for spring. I need signs of spring.
We stood around the tree, remembering and longing, with many of our close friends and family. It was rainy and chilly and the skys were gray. "What a beautiful tree," they all said. And I agreed. It is beautiful. It is just not what I expected.
Kinda like my tree-Micah's tree- life is what it is. (that is profound, eh?) I am not sure what I expected life to be like but this is not exactly it. But it is still beautiful. Hard, exhausting, and full of ups and downs. But beautiful none-the-less. I have a place to sleep and food to eat and a husband who loves me and three amazing boys and friends who support me and a God who holds me and lifts my head. Beautiful.
It is all about my perspective. When I get two hours of sleep and Lucas won't stop whining and Caden is not content to leave my side and marriage feels so complicated, life feels so small and bare. Where are the leaves, the signs of spring? When I wake up in the morning and I have two beautiful boys snuggled close at my side and the sun is shining through the window and I don't feel tired, life feels in full bloom. But even in the moments when I am overwhelmed by the richness of the life God has given me, I still feel a bit small and bare. I get too easily bogged down by the hard things. I can't keep my focus on Him and the eternal. My priorities are often out of wack. I let the fatigue and busyness keep me from appreciating. I see myself as that small, bare tree. Waiting, hoping for some leaves to bud soon. Watching for the bloom of spring in me.
My last five years have been crazy- full of life changes and adjustments. Moving, babies, new jobs, mourning, rejoicing, counseling, fear, joy... But that does not make me unique. I am not the only one who has had her life turned upside down and had to pick things up and figure out how to move on. I am just not sure I have done it well. Which brings me to here. This place of gratitude but discontentment. Motherhood is hard, marriage is hard and yet both those things are what make life so rich. Thankfully, God does not see my bare branches. He sees me in full bloom. I am exactly what He expected. No more, no less. He knew I would have these challenges and these joys and is holding my hand and leading me through. Have these five years been God pruning me, cutting away what I thought were my leaves only to leave me more bare and small? Has He been preparing me for my true Spring?
Life is what it is. Sometimes sad and disappointing. But also full to the brim. Sometimes this tree seems small and bare. But it will grow. The leaves will come. Spring will come.
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