Running (from) Dysfunction

Don't let the title fool you. I have more than one dysfunction. I am just focusing on one specific one at the moment....

I lean on myself WAY too much. That is the long-and-short of it.

Last night was one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. My feet hurt, my hands hurt... my whole body hurt so very bad. I have begun to taper down the prednisone and so far it going just so-so. Plus I worked two long days this week, more than normal, and have been trying to catch up from vacation and get ready for the last market of the season tomorrow. So it has been a busy week to say the least. I laid on the couch last night and then in my bed and just cried. Tears of pain and frustration. I just want this to be over, to be off the front burner.

I felt better when I got up today, but I had to be at work before 7am (my third work day this week) so the relief didn't last long. By 9:30 this morning, the pain was back in my hands and feet. I got home from work at 11:30 in time to send Hubby off to work. When he got home at 8:30, I was pretty spent. So I went and crashed on the couch, right? Nope. I went for a run. Enter my dysfunction.

I simply cannot accept the fact that I am not in control of my body's response to itself. I am in pain, I am worn out, I am frustrated and overwhelmed.... so what do I do? I try to plan those things away. I analyze and try to figure out a way that I can make it all better.

About 10minutes into my run, my hands started to throb. They have truthfully been hurting all day plus running always makes them swell a bit. I should have stopped then, but I pushed through. It was a beautiful night, after all, and I should take advantage of it (so went the thoughts in my head). By mile 3, I was actually feeling pretty good. I had kinda found my stride and, despite my hands, felt like I was plugging along pretty well. Then at mile 4.5, I hit a wall. My body was telling me to stop, but it was hard for me to give in. Then the song "You're All I Need" (Bethany Dillon) came on my iPod and I just crumbled. I sat in the grass and just cried.
"You fill me when I'm empty, You are all I need."

Can I really say that? Is He all I need? When I was in tears last night, were my thoughts about how I was going to get through this or how God was going to get me through this? Do I really believe that He will carry me through? He has before in other times when I couldn't walk alone. But yet this week, when my body is weak and I am tired and I have taken on too much, I chose to try to fix it or prove to myself that I can make it better by pushing ahead. Even the taking on of too much is my dysfunctional way of proving to myself that no Lupus or joint pain or [fill-in-the-blank] is gonna stop me from working three days and having a market and weaning off the prednisone and training for a 10K if that is what I want to do.

The next song on my iPod was "Never Alone" (Barlow Girl). Message received, loud and clear. He is with me and carrying me through. This won't last forever. It is ok if I don't run the full 5miles I had intended to run tonight or make extra slings for the market. I do not have to prove I am in control of my own body and life and schedule. I can let go a little now and then and see where God takes me.
Well, those are the things I should say to myself and to God. That is the proper response and the one I am trying to have. I am a work in process for sure.

The inspirational ending to this story would be that I stood up and finished running the last half mile. But nope. I walked my achy self home and crashed on the couch to lay out my dysfunction here for all to see. And hopefully for me to learn from.

I should add that the song I walked home to was "Lovestoned" (Justin Timberlake). Kinda an odd playlist, I admit. But I loves me some JT! But that's a dysfunction for another day....


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Tuba Boys

During dinner tonight, I asked Lucas if he would be interested in learning to play a musical instrument. We are trying to figure out our lives for the fall which includes figuring out what activities to sign the boys up for and how much (or how little) to schedule ourselves.
Anyway, I like the idea of the boys learning an instrument. It is supposed to make kids good at math or reasoning or something like that. Mostly though, I think it is super cute. So I asked Lucas tonight what he thought of the idea.
"Like what instrument?" has asked.
"Oh, maybe the guitar or the piano or the violin."
"Or the trumpet or the trombone," Hubby added. I guess he felt I had neglected the brass section.

"Or maybe the tuba!!" Lucas said quite excitedly. We tried to explain to him that maybe we should start with something a bit more manageable and he could work his way up to the tuba if he wanted to.

"I play tuba!" Caden proclaimed, not wanting to be left out of the discussion.
"You would fit in a tuba," I told him. They both thought that was pretty funny. :)

Lucas thought about it for a second and then offered up this plan:
"Maybe Caden could hide inside a tuba. Then when I get older, like when I am 33, I could learn to play the tuba and then Caden would come flying out. Wouldn't that be cool?!?!"

I love the way their little minds work. They never cease to make me smile.


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Building Memories

As my little boys nap after a VERY full morning, I am sitting here staring out over the mountains thinking about... well, a lot of things. We are staying in this beautiful house on the lake in northern Georgia with hiking trails and swimming and boating and so many other super-cool things that are far out of our normal routine back home. Sure, we go swimming at home and we play in the stream at the Arboretum and hike around there too. But there is something really special about being away. And being with family. And having carved out time to do nothing but be together and enjoy the beauty of nature. I feel like I am giving my boys the childhood I want them to have. I am helping them build memories of playing in creeks and hiking on trails (and off them) and swimming in the lake. I love especially that both boys went on a special hike with their Pa this morning, just the three boys. They came home after an hour and a half with sweaty shirts and special treasures to show and stories of throwing rocks in the water and "helping my little brother up the hill." Makes my momma's heart bubble over. They are out being little boys and soaking in the nurturing of their grandparents and their Auntie who love them. They are getting dirty and commenting on the beauty of the trees and the eagles that we see outside our windows.




We have only been here two days... four more to go... and I am looking forward to every minute.




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Me and Tebow

I wish I could say this is a post about the time I met Tim Tebow and got to hang out with him, play a little catch, let him teach Lucas how to throw a good spiral. Maybe someday. I just love Tim Tebow. So much in fact, that Hubby and I have a deal that were my Timmy to ever ask me to marry him (of course he wouldn't since he is a respectful, moral boy), I have permission to say yes and Hubby will move into the guest house. It is just a joke of course since I would never really leave Hubby for Tim Tebow. But I really do love my Timmy that much.

Anyway, this post is really about my running. I finished Couch to 5K awhile back and have actually done three 5K races. The most recent race was with my dad over the 4th of July. I was a bit slower in the third race than in the first two but I keep telling myself it was due to the heat and the hills (and my big, fat swollen joints). Having finished the C25K program and done some races, my running has really slowed down. I am realizing I stay motivated better when I have a program to follow and a goal to work towards. So I have decided to move on to the Bridge to 10K program and try to increase my distance and hopefully also improve my mile split time.
The Bridge to 10K is a 6week plan that goes back to interval running but will hopefully ease me into longer distances and better conditioning. That is the goal anyway.

How does this make me like Tebow? Well, after being a spectacular college quarterback (for my beloved Gators), Timmy has had to totally revamp his throwing motion in order to hopefully be a knock-out pro QB with the Denver Broncos. And now that I am determined to press forward with my running, I am doing a little revamping too.
I have run a few times on a treadmill recently after being an exclusive road-runner 'til now. Running on a treadmill forced me to really lengthen my stride. So when I ran on the road tonight (4miles in 43min), I noticed that I was still running "treadmill-style." It felt a little odd, a little slower. But I didn't feel as tired at the end of the run as I normally do and I ran longer tonight than average.
So Timmy is reworking things to make him better at his sport and so am I. Not that I am putting myself anywhere near his level of greatness. :) I am just looking for anything I can to connect me further to my Timmy. And progress with my running in spite of all the other stuff going on.


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Here We Go

I had an appointment with a fourth rheumatologist today. Can you tell I am having a hard time accepting the truth that is staring me in the face? She is a very highly respected, well-known rheumatologist at Loyola Hospital. It took me months to get this appointment and yet I almost didn't go. But something in me had to know if she would have anything different to say. But she didn't. Just more of the same. "Yes, it looks like Lupus... Yes, you have to be on the Prednisone.... Yes, you will be on this other medication long term.... No, you can't be out in the sun.... Yes, you may have other flare ups of varying severity in the future... " blah, blah, blah

I am not as stubborn as this whole process is making me seem. I am just thorough. Right? Plus I am truly having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that I have a chronic illness. Even typing that makes me feel icky. Can that really be true? I ran 2miles tonight. I drove Lucas to a swim lesson and planned a fun fair and helped a friend find an apartment and ... I am a fully functioning mom-of-two boys that can't be bothered with this. Add in some moderate joint pain and some other pretty un-arguable evidence and then you have the full picture.

So this is me, coming to peace with this whole thing: Taking my pills as directed and not as my nurse-brain/reluctant heart prescribes instead. Reading a Lupus magazine while waiting for the doctor today and trying not to let myself get worried or sad or bitter. Visiting a Lupus blog tonight and trying to figure out how or if I fit into this new world.

Like or not, I am here in a place of figuring out how best to deal with these cards that I am being given. I am not super sick. I have some achy hands and wrists and feet but that is about it and even that is getting better. But yet, I have 4 professional people telling me they see clear indicators that my body has some funky issues going on. And I have to take medication to keep the funk under control or worse funk could be coming down the line.
So, here we go... I guess I have Lupus. Certainly not what I had next on my life's agenda. But I am here anyway and learning to come to terms with it. And make the best of it. And not freak out. And not over-dramatize. And not underestimate. And not ignore the things I need to do to make it better just because I don't want to have limitations. And ask for help if I need it (ouch). And not let it stop me, unless it needs to stop me... ya' know? And give my boys the best of me without letting it take everything out of me.

Here we go....




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My Baby, the Big Boy

Last night was Caden's first night in the toddler bed. We have been needing to make this switch for awhile since Lucas has far outgrown the toddler bed and Caden can climb out of the crib. So even though I was not totally ready to take him out of the crib, it was time. So like pulling off a band-aid, we just did it. I didn't have time to get super-emotional about it, although I still did a little. Enough to put him back in the crib after breakfast to take a picture of him once I realized he wouldn't ever sleep in there again.

So last night, Hubby and I divided to conquer bedtime as usual- he took Lucas and I took Caden. I got Caden to sleep as usual and laid him down and then I left for a workout class I was taking with some friends. When I got home at like 10:45, the house was dark and quiet. I got some water and started walking up the stairs only to be greeted by Caden standing in the hallway!! HA!! (Hubby was asleep and so was Lucas) It took me over two and a half hours to get him back to sleep. He kept getting up or asking for water or squirming all around in his bed. I admitedly started out very sympathetic, recognizing that it was something very new for him and wanting to give him the time he needed to adjust. But my sympathy turned to annoyance after about an hour of wrestling him and begging him to go to sleep. I didn't want to take him out of the bed, although if I had I probably could have rocked him back to sleep and been done with it. I want him to learn to stay in bed and fall asleep on his own. But that made for a LONG night for mama and a stiff back this morning from sleeping on the floor by his bed to keep him in it. Tonight, Caden went down easy again so we'll see how it goes....

It is like a frog in boiling water, this whole growing up thing. One day I am holding this not-so-tiny newborn, thinking about how much more calm an infant he is than his brother was. And now, this same little man chases me around with Buzz Lightyear in one hand and Woody in the other saying "Mommy, what time is it?" or "Carry you, Mommy" or "I'm hungy, Mama." One of the ironies in this whole toddler-bed transition, is that Caden has been fully weaned for about a month now. I had to wean him to start a medication for this whole Lupus thing (but we were on that path anyway). And he hasn't asked for "dursies" in weeks, except for last night. As we were getting ready for bed, he asked for "dursies" and got upset when it was clear that wasn't going to happen. Funny that he would ask last night of all nights. Broke my heart, just a little.

This is just one more step in this motherhood journey. They are growing. I am growing.



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Holiday Weekend

It was a busy holiday weekend, but one of the best I could have hoped for. The weather was great although a bit hot. But that didn't stop us from having all sorts of holiday fun. My parents were in town from Florida and we just had a fabulous time.

The boys just adore their "Mimi and Pa" and we had an action-packed weekend with them including the Wheaton Parade and the Glen Ellyn Fireworks (both fabulous and super-fun!). All the weekend fun did make for some tuckered out little boys though. I mean, who falls asleep at a parade?!



Other highlights of the weekend...

...this Chevy Traverse I got to test-drive for the weekend. The awesome-ness of this car surpassed my expectations... But more on that later.


....and running the Warrenville Firecracker 5K with my dad. My dad is a retired AirForce Colonel and long-time runner so I was pretty nervous to run with him. But he graciously stayed with me the whole time and we had a really nice run. It was super hot and I was having some trouble with my hands (they tend to swell and cramp when I run or when I get too hot- darn Lupus!) so I didn't do as well as I would have liked (right around 32min for the 5K). But, I ran the whole thing and had a really nice time with my dad so I am content with that. We even talked about making it a tradition but we'll see.

Overall, we had a perfect holiday weekend. It was full and fun, drama-free and refreshing. Perfect.



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