Taking Gratefulness to New Heights

I cross posted this from my DupageMamas blog today. I think it bears repeating...

My baby is about to turn 3 this week. People are always telling moms of young kids to enjoy these early years because the time goes fast. Too fast. I used to just smile and humor whoever was saying it this time. But these days, I breathe deep and nod my head because I am seeing how true that is. Too true. My hubby and I took our boys to a movie in the park last night. As we sat in the dusk light, waiting for the movie to start, my little guy was in my lap and my older son sitting between my Hubby and I. I felt a wave of something rush over. Looking at my boys, I just felt so, so grateful. Grateful for this fun summer moment, all sitting in the grass together eating candy and watching this movie. Grateful for our little family, for these boys and the Hubs. This gratefulness brought along with it it's cousin contentment and I sat there and just drank it all in.

Because of the movie, the boys went to bed late but yet they woke up at the exact same time as usual. This made for some general crankiness today. Last night's emotional rush was lingering still but was somewhat lessened by having to referee fights and squash the whining. I left Hubby to do lunch and naps and headed for the Flashes of Hope Peds in the Weeds picnic for families of chronically and terminally ill children. My good friend Carrie runs the FOH Chicago chapter and I offered to volunteer at the photo shoot they ran at today's event. (If you don't know about Flashes of Hope, check out the website. They provide free professional pics of kids and their families.)

Seeing these kids and their families today was more than inspiring. I have been hugging my sweet 3yr old tighter this week anyway for lots of reasons. But coming home today, I made sure to take both boys and squeeze them until they almost popped. Then came that rush of gratefulness all over.

I had a brief conversation today with a mom of a 2 and a half year old boy with some complex medical issues. She didn't get into it, I didn't ask. It didn't matter. He was one of the most delightful, precious little boys I have ever met. He radiated happiness and joy, and so did his 3sisters and 2brothers. It was quite evident that they are all so grateful for each other, no matter what life is bringing their way. It was truly inspiring to watch this family love each other and this little boy so much that is was palpable to a bystander like me.

Life throws a lot at all of us. Sometimes, it is easy to tell myself that I have had more than my fair share. But all I have to do is look around and get my eyes off me to realize that is so far from true. I have SO much to be grateful for. My boys are the biggest thing but not the only things by a long shot. I felt grateful for them last night. But being at this picnic today took my gratefulness to new heights.

Thank you Carrie and FOH for the joy you bring to these families. And thank you for letting me be a tiny part of it today. I walked away feeling more like myself than I have felt in awhile. Funny how that happens when I get my eyes off me.


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The Heart of This Boy

Rather abruptly at lunch yesterday, Lucas announced that he really wants a sister. But not a baby sister "from my tummy." He wants us to adopt a sister that is closer to his age so he has someone to play with. He said he had been "really thinking about this." I could see it on his face. He was very serious and thoughtful. It was not a whim discussion. And although his comments caught me off guard, they did not catch me by surprise.

He has said before that he would like a sister, but has never been so specific about adoption and wanting an older girl to join our family. I know that part of this adoption idea being sparked in his head comes from asking about a book I just finished that tells the story of a family's adoption journey. But it wasn't like he was borrowing an idea. It was more that one had been uncovered and he now had words for it.

His words were both tender and funny. He has figured out where "our girl" would sleep and sit in the car and at our table. He has an idea of what her name should be but he's not ready to share that yet. The longer we talked about it, the more he wanted to say. It was as if he could picture it more and more and couldn't contain how much he would love if it all actually came to be. I kept asking why he thought he wanted a sister, specifically one his age. After saying "I just do" about a dozen times, he finally got quiet.

"Sometimes, I just feel like I don't want to be the oldest. Like if my brother were here, I would have someone to be with me." My heart stopped for a moment. There it is. The root of this is a longing that I totally get. I feel it with him, I just didn't know he felt it like this. He misses his brother.

When asked why missing Micah makes him want to have a sister and not an older brother, his reply brought some much needed tension release to the moment. Pointing at Caden he says, "Well, I have already seen how that goes and I think I want to try a sister this time." LOL! (disclaimer: These boys LOVE being together and LOVE playing together. Caden is just a bit intense for Lucas sometimes and a bit frustrating at this stage.)

I relayed this conversation to Hubby later in the afternoon, but more in a "hear the cute things our son said" kind of tone. When really, his words have touched a deep place in my soul. I don't know if we would ever adopt another child or not. Reading this book has certainly revived a desire I have had since high school to share our family's love with a child who may be in need of some. But parenting these boys is hard and makes me wonder if I have what it would take to parent through an adoption and be the right kind of mother to a girl of any age. But Lucas' words still ring in my ears. Is God using my 5yr old to water a seed?

I certainly don't know yet. I told Lucas that as a family we could talk more about this and pray about it. I told him he should ask God if this is right for our family and see what God says. But no matter what, if any, concrete action comes from this lunch conversation, I at the very least got a glimpse into the soul of my son and it was precious. So very precious. He has such a tender, little heart that longs for a brother he has never met. This visceral longing that has forever changed me resides also deep in this boy that, in many ways, rescued my soul from darkness. He also longs for a sister and I just can't dismiss that. I think I might long for that too. But the thought of bringing a little girl into our family, no matter the route, is daunting and a bit terrifying to me.
I am grateful for the heart of this little boy. I am touched by his words and thoughts and fully aware of God working in his soul. And mine.




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Beware of the Cat Robot Villian

Tonight, I asked Lucas to go upstairs and have a quiet moment in his room after the third or fourth time of asking him to stop crashing cars and superheros so loudly that I couldn't hear myself think.
Hubby and I could hear him doing something in the kitchen instead of being in his room. When we came upstairs, we found him cutting out random shapes out of paper and taping them to his face. He was making a disguise so he could come back downstairs without us recognizing him. LOL!! This kid cracks me up!! Listen to his own explanation of what kind of costume he was creating and then see little Caden making a costume mess of his own...





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My Type

I'm seeing a trend here. My boyfriends all seem to have dark piercing eyes and a little wave in their dark hair. Not to mention that good ol' all american look. *swoon*

[ For those that don't know (but most of you probably do), these dreamy boys are Blaine (Darren Cris) from Glee, Finn (Cory Monteith) from Glee, and my beloved Timmy (Tebow) ]


Of course, I only have one true love.....

and I think he pretty much fits the bill too. Plus, he is the most loyal man I have ever known. He, although flawed like me, loves me fully and serves his family with his whole heart and being. Even though his dark hair with a bit of a wave is getting some grays (which I personally find pretty sexy).



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Grateful

This was last year on the Fourth. My parents came in for the weekend, I ran a 5K with my dad, we did the Wheaton parade and the Glen Ellyn Fireworks. It was a fabulous weekend. Look how young those two little boys look!!! I can hardly believe that was just a year ago.

I took both boys for annual check-ups today- they are getting so big so fast! After their appointments, I took them both out to lunch (at Steak and Shake- Lucas' request). Lucas was being a little dramatic about his shots, Caden was tired and clingy. But it was one of those rare moments where I could step out of the moment and see it for the precious snapshot it was. Or maybe it was staying right there in the moment and not thinking ahead to naptime or wine-time or the events of the holiday weekend.

These two boys- these precious, precious boys- they try my patience for sure. Even tonight at bedtime, I was ready to be done for the day and was losing my steam. But I just think about Caden's sweet hugs and kisses at lunch and Lucas asking me to snuggle him during our family movie night tonight. I am a lucky, lucky mommy. I hope I am doing right by them. I pray to God daily to use me as a vessel to bless and shape them as He would see fit in spite of my VERY flawed shell. No matter what else is complicated in my life, I have these two precious souls that God has blessed me with and a Hubby who loves me. And I am grateful for this. SO very, very grateful.



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Doctors Don't Know Everything

Get ready for a bit of a rant.. although I just had a talk with Lucas tonight about not letting one little thing that is wrong color your whole day. So, maybe I should instead heed my own advice instead. Oh, well... I'll do that next time.

If there is anyone out there reading this, and you know me even just a little, you probably know that I love the beach. L.O.V.E. Love. I love the sunshine, I love the heat, I love the sand, I love the sweat, the waves... All of it. I go every chance I get. I stay as long as I can. At least, I used to.
When Hubby and I got back from Costa Rica at the beginning of April, I started noticing a gradual increase in my joint pain/Lupus issues. Long (boring) story short... I am in the midst now of a "flare" up of average intensity (my Rheum's words, not mine). Back on Prednisone, dealing with all kinds of weird symptoms again. Sucks. The worst part is actually that it all started from the heat and sun I got in CR. Then it got significantly worse when I ran the 10K about a month ago. Double sucks.

My Rheum "recommends" that I avoid outdoor running or extended periods in the sun for the next few months at least, until this whole thing calms down. And if I want to keep this thing under wraps once it does calm back down, I probably should avoid prolonged sun/heat exposure in the future. My Rheum obviously does not read this blog or know me very well.

If I am being completely honest, I feel a bit stuck. Would it ever really be possible for me to avoid the sun/beach for the rest of my life? I have two boys who will want to be outside and who I want to grow up loving being on the beach as much as their mama does. And beyond that, I LOVE IT! Why would I do that to myself? It just isn't rational or feasible. Now, I am certainly willing to be a little creative for these years that Lupus is at it's peak. But it is admittedly hard to convince myself that I will one day be without these nagging discomforts and be able to once again bake myself in the sun without consequence.

I know, quit my whining. In a sec...

My doctor may know a lot. But she doesn't know everything. She may be convinced that my life would be better if I did not spend too much time out it the sun. But I am not so convinced. SO much of my life's joy comes from moments in the sun: on the beach, at the park with my boys, exploring something, splashing somewhere. Living.
But yet, this constant achiness/stiffness/fatigue/I-wish-I-could-stick-an-icepick-in-my-wrist pain is just stupid. Stupid.

I know some sort of compromise is the answer. A little less beach/sun in order to have a little less pain. And probably not as much running this summer as I was hoping. I guess I have to push back that goal of a half-marathon for a bit. If I have to.... I just hope the next time I DO get on the beach, I don't look like a beached whale from the lack of running and the months of steroid therapy. OK... rant done.



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Sprinklers and other Beach Fun

The boys and I just got back from a fabulous trip to FL. It was really one of the best we have ever had. Some great beach time, some alone time for mommy, no family drama. Just a really, really nice time with my parents and my sister and my beloved beach. :) Here are some of the highlights:

Fun with the water hose and Mimi: the boys started fully clothed and slowly peeled off layers as they ran through the sprinkler. Perfect little boy, summer fun!!

Lucas loves to wear his superhero costumes... even when riding his bike. Not quite the Batmobile, but a sweet ride none-the-less.

A special Green Lantern superhero party with Mimi and Pa!

We had plenty of sunny days on the beach, but one of our favorite times was right after a rain storm when the dark clouds were rolling through. It was warm and shady and the sand was perfect for sandcastles. We caught sand crabs and built sand forts and had an amazing time. It will forever be one of my favorite memories of time on the beach with my boys.





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