Preschool... Check!!

Lucas officially finished preschool today. He stood up on the stage with two of his favorite little friends, reciting their poems and singing their songs, and just like that my little baby left preschool behind with bigger things on the horizon. Bigger things like kindergarten and all that, but not necessarily better things. Loretto has been an amazing place for Lucas. His teachers are nurturing and instructive and put their whole hearts into being with the kids. We all feel so fortunate for them and can't wait for Caden to start next fall (if he'll potty train).

I cried through most of the program. Happy tears through a smile as big as the room. I was just so stinkin' proud of him and just kept picturing that moment when they first handed him to me in the hospital recovery room. He was this chubby, rosy faced little person who was going to change me forever in ways I could never fathom.
And now he is this smart (and a little sassy, too much sometimes) and tender little boy who is getting ready to take on the world. I asked him this morning as we were leaving for the program if he was ready to graduate preschool. He turned to me and said, "Mom, I was born ready!" And I pretty much think he's right.
I couldn't stop hugging him today, just wanting to cement in my soul the feeling of holding him while he can still fit in my lap. And I have to say that I also hugged Caden a bit tighter today. It won't be too long until I am living this day with him too.

Even as I type this, Caden is asleep next to me on the couch (at 11pm). He came down crying while I was finishing my nightly ritual of watching RealHousewives while blogging or playing on FB. I didn't have the heart to take him back to bed when all he wanted was to cuddle with his mama. And now his precious face is smushed against my arm and he is contentedly back to sleep. I hope neither of them get too old- EVER- to stop needing the comfort of being close to mama. I know I will never -EVER- stop needing the comfort of holding them close.

Happy last-day-of-preschool, my sweet Lucas! You are as vital to me as my heartbeat. I am so proud of the little boy you are and who you are becoming. You are gentle and kind-hearted and feel things so deeply. Your capacity for love and knowledge knows no bounds. My precious little preschooler... moving onto life's next task. Preschool? Check! Bring on the world!




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Half Way to...

Today was Lucas' last real day of preschool. Boy, has that snuck up on me. My little baby is half-way to leaving me already. Well, closer anyway. Seems like just yesterday I was stressing about which preschool to choose and now I am working my a** off to make the first tuition payment for private school kindergarten.

Actually, I have been working my a** off at a lot of things lately and yet I don't feel like I am getting very much ahead. I am having one of those days weeks months where it seems that no matter what I am trying to do, I can only get half way. Half way to what, I am not totally sure. But I just know that, if you put all my many task/hobbies/endeavors/jobs/roles on a line measuring success, they would all lie much closer to rookie than to expert.

Tonight, I was in the midst of a million different things, as usual. Caden came toddling down the stairs with such a sweet smile on his face, just wanting to cuddle a little. And of course I obliged. Cuddling that sweet little man close is what keeps me going. These two boys and their daddy are all that really matters to me. And yet, I let so many other things occupy my time and energy and thoughts. And then there is this Lupus thing... and that is a whole other story. Or more accurately, the wrench in the story.

Right now, I just need to go to bed. Along with being half-way to good at something and halfway to having my sh*t together, I am half-way asleep already and need to just give in. On the bright side, I held a sweet newborn baby girl today and she felt so perfect. :)



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Our Prayers Are With You

I have a good friend whose father just passed away and another friend about to start treatment for breast cancer. My heart is a bit heavy for them both, feeling the weight of their sadness and wanting so much to help. This is a post for my friend Brandie who starts her cancer treatment this week. I posted this on my other blog DupageMamas today. But I thought I would also post it here to drive as much traffic her way as possible. Thanks y'all!

This motherhood journey is filled with the full gamut of emotions. We can feel 100% joyful and then frustrated then sad then grateful all in the span of just a few hours or even minutes. But at least we all understand each other and walk this together. I know that when my day or week is not as I would hope it to be or when I have something to rejoice in, I have my mommy friends to walk beside me no matter what the emotion of the minute is. And I hope they know I am that for them too.

In this moment, one of our fellow mamas is walking through something few of us could ever imagine or fathom. Just a couple weeks ago, our friend and contributor Brandie was diagnosed with breast cancer. So much has been happening all at once with multiple tests and doctor visits crashing in on her life as a homeschooling mama of three very active kids. Brandie is one of those special people who you feel like you have known forever the second you have the pleasure of sitting at a table with her for lunch for the first time. She is genuine and hilarious and one amazing knitter.

Yesterday was Brandie's 32nd birthday- HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRANDIE!!! And tomorrow, she is scheduled for her first surgery to kick this cancer in the a**! There are so many things I wish I could do for her. She is a part of my community, a fellow mom going through a challenging time. And if the table was turned, I know she would show up at my door with her knitting needles and a gluten-free meal. I want to walk with her as much as I can through this really rough time. But there are a couple things we really can do. We are, after all, fellow mamas who know at the very least what it is like to need someone to step in and walk with us through whatever challenge we may be facing.

Today, please take a minute to hop over to Brandie's blog and leave her a message of love and encouragement. Let's smother her with our prayers and healing thoughts as she takes an important step on this journey to beating cancer. It will just take a second of your time and I know it would brighten her day. A mutual friend and fellow blogger, Tracey, came up with this idea for all of us to post about Brandie and send people over to encourage her and lift her up as she prepares for surgery tomorrow. Could you take a second to help us do this for Brandie? (don't forget to mention that you came thru DupageMamas)

Also, if you are the type that likes to tangibly support someone or has the gift of hospitality, consider signing up ti bring her family a meal in the coming weeks as she is recovering from surgery. You may have never met her but still want to bless a fellow mama in this way. I know this too would mean a lot to Brandie and her husband and their three kids. Click this link to sign up for a day to bring them a dinner and give them a tangible expression of our love and concern for her.

Most of all, I know that Brandie appreciates every single thought and prayer sent up for her. Please keep her and her family in your mind as they go through the next few days and weeks. Let's support her however we can. That's what moms do. We walk along side each other to make the journey easier and more fulfilling for us all.

And Brandie- please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you. You can beat this stupid cancer!! God is holding you up and carrying you through. And we, your mama community, will do the same the best we can. We believe in you and think you are amazingly strong! Kick this cancer's a**, Brandie!! We know you can!

Once again y'all, flood Brandie with your internet lovin' today through her blog or on twitter if that is more your scene!



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GOAL!!

Wow... I haven't posted at all yet in May. There are so many days when I say "maybe I should blog about this" and yet the day ends and all I want to do is lay on the couch and fall asleep. And truthfully, there are so many things going on that I feel like I either have to tell y'all everything or I'm not being really me. I am kind of an "all-or-nothing" kind of gal (if you haven't learned that about me yet) and I need to learn to live a little more in the grey sometimes.

Anyway, I have a "mommy-pride" bursting moment to share to at least get me back in the groove. Lucas started playing pee-wee soccer last fall. Admittedly, it started a little rough. His focus was anywhere but on the field or the ball. It didn't seem to come very naturally to him, but it was his first go at organized team sports and he seem to have a great time. So, when his friends from school were organizing a team for spring soccer, we asked him and he said he wanted to play. And this year, he is doing so much better. :) He is keeping up with the ball better and getting more kicks. Seeing his little face when he gets a kick makes me giggle. He is so excited. And then last week, he got his first goal!!! And today he got another!! Hooray!!!!
I have to admit that I get really frustrated when he is out on the field and not paying attention. He still has many moments when he is distracted by something on the sidelines or he runs right past the ball because his mind is focused on something else (probably superhero related). I try to keep my frustration to myself (try being the key word). He is only 5 after all and has made serious improvements from the fall until now. And I am super-conscious to make my words to him be nothing but encouragement and redirection. But I do need to learn to relax my expectations a bit because sometimes I let the frustration overwhelm me. Again. (Yikes. Seems like an unfortunate trend with me.)
So let me rejoice in his growth!! LUCAS GOT TWO GOALS!!!! YIPPEE!!!!
Driving home from the game today, he said "Now, my favorite times of the week are when I am with Mommy and when I have a soccer game." *melt* What a precious kid!



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Spring Pics

I have been doing a lot of talking lately.. well last week anyway. I thought I would even it out by sharing some spring pics. All these pics have been in the last week. But then again, spring is just barely making an appearance around here anyway.

I fortuitously won a free session with an amazing local photographer (Lunel Photography). I have only seen a few of the pictures so far, but they are just awesome! These are pictures that our family will treasure for years to come. I feel so, so blessed!!

A very cold "spring" picnic at Micah's tree on his birthday. Some of my wonderful friends joined me and we managed to brave the cold for an hour+. It was a great way to celebrate Micah and all the other blessings I have in my life.


My sweet niece Gracie wearing the little bunny hat I got for her on Easter.

My neice Emilee munching on Easter candy. Don't you just love her eyes! She is such a doll!!

Caden in the egg hunt in Grandma's basement.

Daddy and his boys on Easter Sunday

Another from our session with LunelPhotography- once I get the CD of all the images, I will share more. I just wanted to show off their cute Easter ties. :)

It did warm up a bit on Sunday. Enough for me to get in a long run and have some time to sit outside with the boys and play with bubbles. We were all grateful for a relaxing Easter and some nice time together as a family. We even grilled some steaks for our non-traditional Easter dinner.
Micah's tree- on the verge of bloom. I truly love spring!
(I just wish it were a bit warmer and drier this year!)

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Mercy

Go on up to the mountain of mercy,
To the crimson perpetual tide;
Kneel down on the shore,
Be thirsty no more,
Go under and be purified.
-Beautiful Scandalous Night

God, in His infinite wisdom, spared Abraham his son.
God, in His infinite wisdom, did not spare mine. Nor His own.

Through Christ on the cross, we see the very face of God.
And last night, as I knelt at the cross, I felt Him near. As near as seven years ago when I knelt in this very room to plead for mercy and healing. And while the healing did not come, His mercy still flows.

So here I am again, pleading for His mercy and healing. This time for my own soul. Lord, heal this wound as I touch the cross where you were wounded for me. Smooth the rough places in my soul, the places that cause me to not be the daughter/wife/mother/sister/friend that I know you require of me.

Infuse me with Your peace. Your mercy.
It is not an accident that today it has been seven years. Seven is significant.
I cannot do this alone. The healing, the mothering, the forgiveness.

Lord, guide my heart and thoughts and soul. As I kneel here again, I place my heart back in Your Hands. I have kept it hidden for long enough. Heal this ache and the broken places inside. Heal the ways I have broken other things because I could not let go of my own brokenness.

Through His pain, mine is healed. Through His love, my heart is restored. The power of the cross fixes my broken places.

For every disappointment
For every broken heart
For every one in darkness - a light

For every wounded person
For every tired mind
For hopeless situations - a hope

The cross still stands
The cross still towers
His blood still cleanses
Eternally the same

For everyone who's desperate
For everyone who's lost
For everyone who's fearful - a shelter

For every painful question
For everyone's regrets
For every cry of 'Why God?' - an answer

The cross still stands.

-Still (by David Hind)

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Unfixable

What a dreary day. This whole week actually has been nothing but gray skies and cold weather. It kinda sucks actually. What happened to spring?
In other news, today is Micah's birthday.

I stopped at the tree last Friday after having a conversation with some dear friends the night before. The emotions of all this have really snuck up on me this year. I felt totally unprepared to dive with my friends into what year seven looks like in this grieving journey and yet I didn't want to miss my chance to process it with the people who love me most. So at the tree last Friday and then again today, the emotions finally all caught up with me. Sometimes, what my soul needs is just to let go and cry a little. Or a lot. Holding the longing in just makes it worse.

I told a friend today that I don't miss my baby Micah anymore. I guess I have moved past the stage of grief where you continually re-live the tragedy and feel angry that there wasn't a different outcome. The ache I feel here in year 7 is just this unfixable longing for my family to be complete. I mean, I love my two boys with every fiber of my being. They bring me more joy than I ever thought imaginable. But if I am being totally honest, I seem to always feel a sense that something is not quite whole. Especially this week. This is the only week of the year that I want to get pregnant and have another baby. Like I think that will somehow make the feeling of lacking go away.
What I really want, I can never have. I want Lucas to have his older brother. Someone to hold his hand and help him navigate this life the way he does for Caden. Lucas is such a sensitive, intuitive kid. He has been telling people all day today that it is his brother Micah's birthday and that we are sad because he isn't here but that we will see him in heaven someday. His little face just looks at me with a knowing. A knowing he didn't get from living through it. He just knows. He gets the hurt and longing in ways I cannot even fathom or describe. But he cuddles up to me and takes my hand or just wants to be close, like he needs the comforting too. I sometimes feel so unequipped to help Lucas navigate his emotions- heck, I can barely navigate my own sometimes. And I can just see how having his older brother around would ease his little soul.

Truthfully, it breaks my heart into a million pieces that Lucas does not have Micah, that I don't have him. When I imagine having a seven year old running around my house, loving on his pup and his little brothers, I just know in my soul that THAT is what would make me feel whole. But it is THAT that I cannot have. So this longing, this deep ache in my soul, remains unfixable. I can't imagine that this stage of the grieving will ever go away. Maybe it will feel less something... well, just less.... in years 8 and 9 and 10 and ... But I don't expect to wake up one day and say "Wow, I'm glad to be over that." But yet, in year 1 I didn't think I would ever have children or be able to go on with life as usual. And yet, I have 2 amazing boys and a semi-"usual" life. So who knows.

Do I sound like a broken record? I feel like one. Just turn me off if you have heard this song too many times. I'll play a new song soon, most likely.

Oh, and I am getting a tattoo. Yep.



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